08.18.11

There are days like today when I have to question what the hell is really wrong with me?

Do you ever ask yourself that?

I have to just blog from the heart. I do not have an inspirational message to give on a daily basis, workout tips or a success story to share.

I most certainly feel like someday my goals that I am working on will be achieved, and maybe then I can give somebody some tips on something...but not today.

I have no idea what is going on inside of me from day to day. Most days I feel like the self doubt is going to take over my entire existence and I will be completely consumed by it like a fire rolling through a tunnel.

I wish somebody could come and take that part of me away. I wish they could just cut that part out of me and burn it in that damn tunnel....along with the fat off my belly.

I wish I could say something to brighten your day...something a little less whiney and self pitying...but I can't.

There are people and situations out there that happen that are so very terrible...so, so bad...Twenty somethings getting cancer, spouses and children passing away suddenly, people losing their jobs...

Do you ever feel so guilty that your problem isn't nearly as bad as someone else's, like somehow the knowledge of people and their (much worse) problems should somehow help you forget about yours?

Well, that only makes me feel even worse about myself.

I have to simply remind myself that in life...it is hard, it always will be and that's that. Every problem is relative to the eye of the beholder and therefore it's all simply about perspective.

I told you this wouldn't be pretty, and I'm sorry for that. I will leave you with a parting gift! A pic of my new sweet pup. He has become so precious to me, and makes me smile everyday. Enjoy.

Survey Says...

 

Ok folks...my oldies!

What d'ya say???

Weigh-Ins again?

Yay or Nay?

...and yes there will be a very long informational (read: long and boring) post about where I am at with this. 

Take a vote!

Work Related Shenanigans...

Hey Guys!

I hope you guys had a great Valntine's Day. I spent mine sleeping off my shift and in Statistics in the evening for 3 hours...missing my husband of course. I am excited though, because we have a "staycation" planned soon!

Last night at work was quite exhausting as usual after a holiday for me in retail. You see, what you guys may not always know is that at the beginning of a holiday season, that amazingly beautiful aisle full of Christmas, Easter, Valentine's Day stuff is stocked (and restocked and restocked), then there is the aftermath of when it is all over!!!!


It begins with the lovely displays and you feel like you are suffocating in the particular holiday cheer of the moment....

Then you find yourself with this the next day to clean up and clearance!!! Fun, fun!!! It's tough because sometimes we move onto the next holiday so fast that the last one has not fully ended and you feel like your life is flashing before your eyes with the constant changes and moves throughout the year.

When I get into work, most times I find this wonderful display of treats and fast food that everyone from the day has eaten and it's kind of tough not to just have a bite. Literally because even though they compliement me on looking thinner, they still offer things...which is nice, just hard to say no when I'm tired.
So last night's treat was this yummy bag of puppy chow...for humans that is....chocolate, buttery sugared covered chex mix. Never had it? Thank your luck your lucky stars because it is like crack.

After the other day when they brought it and I said no politely...they had to bring an even bigger bag two days later. No I am sure this was not on purpose. Yes I know that the world does not revolve around me, and others are allowed to have their tasty treats. This time though, I said ok, what the heck and had a handful. 



I decided that I had been going strong for quite awhile and I would just go home and look it up and adjust my calories later. I knew it would be awful, so I just dealt with it and moved on. It tasted so good, and that was that. Right? Right.

Puppy Chow Calories

I obviously still had plenty of awsome healthy treats to devour for the rest of the night! This one is my latest favorite

How do you deal with temptation at work? How do you adjust your calories for having eaten something not on plan? 

Holi-“daze”….

Hey Friends,

So let me start this off by saying that this is not a happy post. Flowers, cupcakes and sunshine will not be found here today, but I have to get it out. Sometimes just expressing something makes it easier to deal with than holding it in and letting it fester.

First of all, I believe that Christmas is a day that has been set aside to acknowledge & celebrate the birth of Jesus. I get that, go to Christmas service, the whole beautiful shebang. I love it.

However, when you work in RETAIL as I have for the past 11 years, the meaning slides further and further into the background and psychotic ridiculousness takes center stage….

How much is this? Is this toy half off yet? How do I know if this light string works? Why won’t my coupon work? Why can’t I use a check to purchase a visa gift card? You’re an idiot and you should not be in business. I don’t care if you’re sorry, fix my problem. Can I talk to the manager? (I am the manager…) Oh really….can I talk to YOUR manager? Can I have the corporate headquarters phone number?

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, bleepity blah, blah. 

It seriously wears your spirit down to nothing. I am by no means saying that this is not a regular occurrence when working in retail, because it is. Christmas time however, brings out the special crazy juices oozing & flowing from people. It is the truth. I hate it. It sucks. This is the time when I feel most like “a paycheck is just a paycheck”….and it most certainly is.

Christmas time also reminds me how old I am getting. My birthday is January 1st, and I am never happy about it. I have obvious personal reasons as to why I am never happy about it. The main is my getting closer and closer to 30, and still not having achieved so many things that my little internal child wants to achieve. I just want so badly to be away from my awful job, get finished with my friggin degree finally, buy a house…you know, all that super awesome grown up stuff! It’s just depressing that life keeps getting in the way, or I never have been able to complete what I have set out to achieve. And as people are setting their New Years Resolutions, I am dreading the adding of yet another 1 to my age, having not a whole bunch to show for it.

Truth be told, the past 3 years emotionally have been pretty amazing. Someday I will go into the lengthy story of why that is. In short, my husband is my greatest blessing by a mile, and has set the stage for a calmer, happier and more peaceful life in which to make my goals more easier to accomplish. Hopefully this year will be my best yet!!!!

The other thing that makes the holidays so awful for me is obviously the fact that I don’t have any children to share it with. This ache in my heart is always there every single year (even before I got married, worse when I was diagnosed with PCOS) wishing that I was buying toys for my little one, instead of an army load of nieces, nephews and cousins. I can’t speak for everyone, since I don’t have kids, but I must say that there is something about the magic of children on Christmas day.

I want to bake cookies with my daughter, play with my son and his new tonka trucks, feel that warm feeling deep down in my belly watching my husband put together dollhouse and train sets, make pancakes in the kitchen while they play in the living room with their new toys, watch my kids up front during the church service on Christmas Eve sing about Jesus in His manger, taking tons of pictures and crying the whole time, get the customary school personally made ornament for the tree, and simply watch their faces light up with joy upon revealing what each box holds.

Man….that was tough to type…

Someday, someday, someday…

This year was particularly hard because it just seemed like everyone was pregnant or had just given birth. So I opted to hide out at home alone until my overnight shift started instead of going to the extended family’s gathering. I just couldn’t deal. Not sure if that makes me a bad person, but it sure made everything so much more pleasant for me by simply waiting until it was over.


In the end, I decided that I need to make the most of the true meaning behind Christmas and focus on that. I need to focus on making what I do have just a little bit brighter for next year.

It was fine, but truly, I am glad that it’s over for another year.


Thanks for reading,

    Monique

Day 5 & 6: Double Dough

Hey Guys,

This is just....I don't know. Gonna need a mental release right now. So here's the deal. There is a Chicago Bears (football) game today and my husband is a DIE HARD Bears fan. Like super hard. Every Sunday afternoon is a small social event. I had this whole post of the summary of my weekend planned, but I am seriously battling something right now. My husband and my father in law are out in my living room ordering my favorite food. The thing is that around here, we don't do so well on the weekends. When the weekend hits, my husband is pretty social and even when I have a dinner prepped, it seems as though we end up either eating out or at a social gathering. I don't know what it is about the weekend, but it seems to be tempting in and of itself. No joke. It's extremely frustrating. He was just in here trying to convince me that having 3 slices of double dough sausage, green peppers and onion pizza has gotta be "only like 300 calories a slice or so"....when OBVIOUSLY neither of us (and probably the very people who made it) have no clue how many calories are truly in a slice. So here's the deal. It is not his fault, nor am I angry at him. I am angry because I am holding back the tears, though because I want to have some so bad, and yet I have not weighed myself at all since I said that I was gonna not do so until my birthday, I feel like I know my self well enough to know what it will do to my hard work for the past week. THAT has been a battle all in itself. I am so frustrated with myself for simply wanting to weigh myself so freaking badly. The other day all I wanted was to weigh myself so bad just to see what was happening since last week. I have been doing amazing and thought that maybe I could reward myself with just a peek. Of course I did not because I commanded my husband to hide it from me and not to give it to me under any circumstances. I wonder...do I have some sort of disorder? Am I struggling with something that is out of the normal range or is this really all OK? I am sitting in here wanting to cry because they are in there about to have my favorite food for dinner, and I am refusing to eat any. I cannot believe I even told them that I didn't want any of it, and they could order for themselves. I just don't wanna be fat anymore. It's not about the weight, although let's be honest, I would love to be able to fit into something that's fitted and not have soft rolls around my midsection and quite a padded bottom as an accessories. At this point, I just wanna feel like I can do this for myself. Maybe I just wanna feel like I wanna know that I can do this at all? I don't wanna be a failure at this again. I wanna be proud of myself. FOR SOMETHING. I see blogs where people are running their 5Ks for the first time, and I didn't want to say this yet, but it is a HUUUUUUGE goal of mine to be able to run a full 5K without stopping to walk. I have never even done a 5K at all, but it is my goal. Eating pizza (twice as doughed as normal pizza) is not going to get me lighter, healthier and fitter to be able to do that. I feel sluggish, gain like 5 pounds (literally) from sodium in it, and do the whole "feel guilty" about it. I know that this is probably a disorder of some sort, but I am doing what I can to make better choices in life and to combat the cycle....it is just so freaking hard. There really isn't even a word for how hard it is.

I just....I don't know. I am feeling very heavy today. I am still doing ok. We even had Subway for lunch and I ate very well. Then why do I feel so awful? Is it because I feel sad that my husband is still succumbing to the weekend? Maybe. I would feel so stupid and embarrassed to think that I am sad because I am not getting to eat pizza and yet my husband who really should not be eating it either is getting to enjoy it. Maybe. Could it be as simple as my wanting to fit into my old jeans again? Maybe so.

At the very base of it all....

I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR MYSELF. 

~NOTE TO SELF~

HELLO MONIQUE:

NO ONE IS GOING TO HOLD YOUR HAND 

AND WALK YOU TO THE GYM. 

NO ONE IS GOING TO WATCH YOUR PORTIONS 

FOR YOU. 

NO ONE IS GOING TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT FOR YOU. 

THAT'S IT, and that's all there is to it. 

If my husband never loses any weight whatsoever, I will love him the very same way that I do today, and I will not love him anymore if he loses a hundred pounds. I will be proud of him, but I will not have any extra love for my sweet husband for being thinner. So there is that. But will I love myself more? Probably. I really think so. You know why? Because I will have dug deep and proven that I am capable of something great. I will take control of this mess of a rather larger amount of extra poundage I am holding onto, because I feel like there is toxic pain hanging on inside every extra fat cell. I owe this to myself. I don't need that pizza. I really do want it so bad, because I am hungry. But the fact of the matter is, right now I can't tell whether or not I am really hungry or if it's just because pizza is on it's way. I will tell you some truth: last night I must have eaten a million red and green plain M&Ms out of the candy drawer at work...obviously simply because they were there, and they were free. I didn't feel guilt, just physically yucky. I can move past that. I did. I just stopped and moved onto my better options, and realized that if I was eating these, that I must be really hungry for something and that I should just eat what will satisfy my belly, which worked. This pizza is not going to include a stopping point. We will eat it until it is gone. Simply because it is there, and for obvious reasons that it tastes good. So....in making a decision for myself, I know that I deep down do not want any pizza. I want how I feel right now being able to say no, which is amazing for me. This is my journey. Mine. And guess what? That feeling I'm holding onto...that's gotta be enough today, right now in this moment. It just has to be.

               

Day 4: Aggravation.

Hey Everyone,

So the beginning of this will be one of those posts where I will simply rant about nothing related to weigh loss.  Sorry, leave now if you are in a great mood,  because here’s the deal: I am pissed. I ordered a replacement ink cartridge from my printer from Dell no less, so you obviously know that they are not cheap. I live in an apartment building that you have to be buzzed in to get to my actual apartment building, so it is always a HUUUUUGE hassle to get anything delivered because of that. They have usually just rang the buzzer, then they come in down the hall and I sign for the dang thing. So this time SEEEEEVERAAAL days have gone by, I check online and it says that it was delivered 7 days ago….SEVEN. The UPS tracker says that it was delivered to the front door…meaning this time I think  that they left it outside. WHY…..why, oh why oh why would you leave ANYTHING labeled DELL on the outside of an apartment building in DECEMBER? AND to top it off, I think someone took it. WHAT THE WHAT? REALLY? (insert huge sigh) I am just flabbergasted. It’s Christmas season people. Go buy your own gifts instead of stealing people’s boxes of the front porch in winter. (insert duplicate huge sigh) Ok, I’m done. Sorry.
Sooooo…..onto yesterday in the land of weight loss!

Bored with my food pictures yet? Good, cuz here’s more!

Today was the first time I had this kind of pear before. It actually did taste different. Can’t say better, but less pear-y I guess.

I had this while I was out grocery shopping this morning. This particular flavor is so yummy to me. It tastes like a chewy graham cracker cookie or something, but it doesn’t have that much sugar. 

(the orange is some other personal goal that I am working on, and am obviously doing ok with since I got another sticker!)

Ahhhh….my exercise yesterday…my oh my was this DVD a tough one. I just bought it a few weeks ago and my legs were literally going to either fall off, cry for mercy or simply detach themselves and run away in horror crying for help from other escapee formerly tortured limbs. You think Jillian is tough on the Biggest Loser? I also have the 30 Day Shred with Jillian, and she is a puppy dog compared to Bob in this short workout. Yes, after I was done I went back and recorded a snippet just for you. You can thank me later. Just watch and see! 

                                   (Whoa. Did he just really make that noise at her? Yikes.)

It was quite hard, and I had to modify some of the exercises due to my beginner status on the DVD. But whoa, I don’t sweat very much as it is, yet during this 25 minute workout, I actually had to peel my clothes off prior to the shower. And obviously by the way, I am not being paid to review this DVD!
Anyways guys, I gotta run….to bed that is! I am pooped. It is a gym day, and my body is aching terribly, but if I skip today it will be waaay harder to go the next day. I know myself.


Thanks for all your wonderful comments and blogger love! It is sooooo encouraging!


Thanks for reading,
   Monique

What's on My Mind....

Hello There,

So here's the thing. I got this blog going, and really started to love it a lot. Took pics of my food, wrote posts, and even made a few blog friends along the way. The problem came when I quickly realized that I was not blogging at all about what was truly on my mind. I was blogging about what I thought people wanted to read, as well as focusing on this being a food blog. I stopped blogging because what I was blogging about was not fun anymore. It became more work than a hobby, and I am just not into having a second job at the moment....quite frankly ever again. Food blogs are simply beautiful. NOT when you are trying to lose weight....and you're me. I really need to refocus and decide whether or not this blog should continue as is and change the focus, or start fresh and be myself. I have since ended my posting, and found out that there are numerous kinds of blogs out there. Obviously I did not know this, seeing how food blogs were the first that I came across. I really need to lose this 50 or 60 pounds and I am doing a terrible job at it. I need to find people also who are struggling with PCOS as well. I need to blog about it and document my progress for me. HOWEVER...I was attracting a crowd of people that were simply blogging about their already current status as healthy eaters, and were already who only lost like 20 pounds or so. No offense, but those just make it look so kind easy (which obviously it is not...usually for anyone) It's awesome to have those people as support and friend types, too, to see that it is at least possible to be thinner and on the healthy range of charts (yes sometimes I feel the opposite) So don't get me wrong. Maybe I am just feeling crazy today or needy. Because obviously nobody can lose this weight for me. I need tips from people that have lost a significant amount of weight who get to this point where they feel like they simply do not want to continue because the rest seems so huge and daunting. Badly.

I also quit posting because I simply need people that I do not know who are not near to be my support. That's how I am. I kinda don't want to be found by those near me. I haven't found that helpful at all really. Only negative comments and nobody in my boat. My husband really is SO supportive, but he has his own friends and his own journey (which he is doing amazing on)

I need an outlet.

I need to be able to just release my thoughts and push the publish button and not care about what others think of it.

I need to not be afraid of cyber bullying and negative comments....because yes, I indeed am.

I need some blog friends, feel like I have lost the few I made because I stopped blogging.

Cuz right now, I am feeling pretty alone. And that's the raw truth.