Project Skinny Jeans Video #1

 Hey Guys! Guess what? I figured it out!

Oldie as of now, the weight has changed as you know...but still excited that it loaded! 

Weigh-In #4

Hey Guys!!!!

Whew! I had such a rough week….and it still continues! I got in some good activity, but it really did show on the scale this week of me not getting in as many days as the week before. Maybe it could be that the high weeks of beginning weight loss are over? That’s fine. I suppose I should just remind myself of my goal, and that is to only go down and not up! A loss is a loss is a loss anyway you get it, right? YUP! Anyways, here goes this morning’s weigh in:

 

GUESS WHAT I AM WORKING ON!!!!!

?????????

PROGRESS PICS FROM JANUARY!!!!

So be on the lookout for my next month’s movement chart to go up and my progress pics to go up. We’ll see what you guys think! 

Gotta jet. There are almost 100 BIO questions waiting for me on the dining room table. (groan)

Thanks for reading,

  Monique

Please give me a moment…

Good morning Friends,

I’m in a stressed out mood today, as I have been for the past several days I guess. Adding onto the mood are the many, many people around me that are becoming pregnant and announcing it. I guess I just gotta work through this in order to get through it.

I am starting to get internally VERY stressed out. I am worried sick about getting into the nursing program for the Fall. With over 500 applicants at my school and every other person in every class saying that they’re applying and there being only 88 seats per semester…I just want to cry every single time I hear another person say it. My grades are competitive, all I have to do is do well on the entrance exam. I have been taking the prereqs for the RN program for 10 years now, and the culmination of it all is now really starting to hit home very hard because there is no more prep to be done…only to apply, wait and see. I struggle immensely with wondering and hoping that this is God’s will for me in my life. I have prayed about it, and seemingly the only thing left to do is wait. Yes I know that I can reapply for the Spring, but who wants to wait another year, right? It’s tough, but it’s very, very real and very much on my mind every minute of the day lately.

Then there are the preggers….they are everywhere in my circle. I want to say, hey guys, can you quit having sex just until I know whether or not I got into the nursing program so I can be excited about something too, since my ovaries won’t exactly produce the news that yours does? Am I wrong for saying that there are some who I am more excited about for their pregnancy than others? Yup, this is my blog, I don’t care, maybe I shouldn't hit publish, but here goes…
 
This is not about any of you, so please do not be offended…

Really, if you can’t stand the toddler that you already have, is it necessary to reproduce again? Is it really going to be any easier for you with another child? Why are so many girls out there getting pregnant for the very sake of trying to get the guy to stay with them? It absolutely breaks my heart the way a child is used so many freaking times as a pawn in a relationship. Or why now are you all of a sudden pregnant with your first baby when he just broke up with you? (Oh, yeah it must be because now after the announcement you’re back together) My heart is so broken right now about this, I can’t say it enough. Why? Why? Why? I want so badly to be able to give my husband the gift of those tiny hands in his, those big eyes staring up at him saying Daddy, and all the love that he can possibly handle. I want so badly to be able to give a child the amazing gift of knowing that Jesus died so that he or she can go to this wonderful place called heaven for all of eternity.

I’m usually ok, really I am. I am focused on my weight loss as a means to take better care of this one body that I was given, and I WILL do that. I am focused on my education as a means to provide better opportunities for myself in my life and for my family. But I just gotta say…sometimes, I have a moment that needs to be taken care of.

No it is not my place to say who can and cannot have children. Is it jealousy. Hello…is this my blog? ABSOLUTELY I am jealous. Jealous of some I will admit, but happy for others at the same time.

Life is funny, huh? You never know what you will find yourself struggling with.

I am happy to say that these moments that I have are few and far in between. These moments after yet another pregnancy announcement used to ruin my entire WEEK. No joke. Now it doesn’t last nearly a half hour of pitying myself and my situation…and THANK GOD I can now simply move on. I just have too much to be thankful for in my life. Like my husband says…they may have babies, and we may wish it was our turn, but at least we know that we are genuinely happy. Right now. Together. And isn’t that all that matters? Sure is.

Thanks for reading,
   Monique

What I Ate Yesterday

I hate to title a blog post so simple like that, but I have never really been asked for something on my blog before. I guess I just want to make sure that my loyal readers get what they want!

I stopped posting what I eat, like I was doing in the beginning because it became very frustrating and I felt like I had to come up with something creative every single day in order to please my readers and make it interesting for them. The problem with that was that I simply do not have THAT much variety in my diet, let alone the time to do so. I do not eat the very same things everyday, but I do eat a rotation of the same sort of foods everyday. I am finding that this is working for me, and combined with my gym time I am losing more weight than ever before on my own.

Here is a summary of what I ate yesterday. Yes, everything I ate.

So there you have it. Usually I switch out the veggies as snacks, eating them raw. I switch out the carbs, sometimes having a sweet potato, sometimes brown rice. I switch out the protein, sometimes having chicken, sometimes salmon. I also switch out my treat for the day. Sometimes I have real kettle corn, which WHOA is not a diety type food, but you can have like 2 CUPS for only 130 calories! It depends on how much time I have for the day. You guys know how busy I am. I also drink a lot….no wait, A TON of water every day. I have a bottle that is 32oz. and I fill it up AT LEAST 4 to 5 times a day. This may not be true for everyone, but let me say that for me, drinking water gives me energy. I need all that I can get with my sleep schedule.

Oh, and I finally updated my movement page for last week! Check it out!

OK guys! Got anymore questions? I’m going to answer them tonight!

Hope you’re having a great day!

Thanks for reading,
  Monique

Weigh-In #3

Hey Guys!!!!!

Sorry I have been MIA!!!! I have been over here working my heavy hours week at work (next week is my light hours week) and my second week of the semester, so I have been running around here like a chicken with my head cut off, on 5 or 6 hours of sleep a day, and I have 3 days of class during the week! I have still been doing my very best to get to the gym everyday (I did), and go to my Wednesday yoga class and even shaved 3 minutes off my treadmill 5K time last week! I will update you guys next week when I can blog more because I have more time to do so, specifically updating my movements chart and not just the sidebar of daily activity! In the meantime, you know me, I want to keep accurate records in my weight loss, so here is my seven day weigh-in:

Pretty cool, right? =)

I’m off to make my lunch and head off to work, folks! Catch up with you guys on Monday!

Thanks for reading,

  Monique

Weigh–In #2

Not bad, not bad at all…

Take a look:

I made it into a NEW DECADE!!!!

I haven’t been in the 70s in a good loooong while, so I’m pretty excited about this. 

As far as losing 3 pounds this week….

It really does just show you how freaking hard this is.

Check out my movements page and my sidebar <==================

I WORKED MY TAIL OFF THIS WEEK FOR THOSE 3LBS!!!

Slow and steady wins the race, right? Let’s hope I can keep it up, guys. 

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement all week. They have really helped push me and motivate me. I mean it. 

Thanks for reading,

  Monique

Everybody Dies, Not Everybody Lives

(I am still trying to figure out how to do a good video, but my feelings right now are too good not to blog about, you’ll see…)

I am sitting here icing my shins and my left ankle (because of my prior Achilles tendonitis last summer) feeling good and quite emotional….

I am sitting here wondering what I have let hold me back from being happy for so freaking long since I left home at 17….

I am sitting here feeling so alive, like I can achieve anything that I put my mind to…..
 

Folks…

I jogged at a 4.0 speed today at the gym for 46 minutes and 10 seconds and a total of 3.1 miles without stopping for walk breaks.

This may not be fast for some, but I don’t care.

This may not be far for some, but I don’t care about that either.

It may not be outside yet (because it is 25 degrees here), but I still don’t care.

My dream is coming true, and I am doing it for myself….a dream that no one can give me, do for me or buy me:

I am running.

 

For years I have sat back and read Runner’s World magazine, listened to people’s running stories, and most recently reading blogs about people and their marathons. You see, I used to run in high school on the soccer team, but I was the goalie….watching longingly at people who were running around the field covered in sweat, but still going. I had to do my share before games, during practice, but at age 15 and 120lbs, running a mile or two is like a joke really.

I started running outside last summer, but not very consistently and no stretching was involved….I quickly injured myself, and in my mind was put back in the goalie box again.

Last month I started back jogging on the treadmill sporadically, and last week I went at it like crazy, taking all my advice I had stored up to heart…taking a day in between to cross train on another machine, doing leg strength training, lots and LOTS of stretching and some yoga.

Today I went into the gym with the same thing on my mind as I have had for the last 14 days or so….just get this crap done.

I got into the locker room, went into my gym bag and frantically almost had a heart attack when I couldn’t find my IPod. It is treadmill day, and I cannot ENDURE the pain without the tunes. Finally I find it, dredge through my push weight routine first….cuz Jillian says that you burn more fat if you strength train first is what is going through my head…so finally I hop on the treadmill and a thought crosses my mind. I’ve got some time today, so why don’t I do more than 30 minutes like I did the other day when I had time and did 40 minutes? Then another thought crossed my mind, why don’t I forget about time today and practice for that 5K I want to do in the Spring? I know that they say the treadmill is easier, but for now, who cares? I just want to see how long it takes me inside to walk/run it so that I can gauge what it will take outside to run the entire thing, because that is my goal.

So I start of jogging at a 4.0 speed, which yes is still running to me. I was definitely not strolling along Park Avenue….I was sweating. I started off running thinking, well I’m sure as heck not gonna WALK the first 5 minutes at a public race, now am I? So let’s pretend like it’s race day and see what you got!

I keep going, thinking “oh this running is gonna end soon, cuz I didn’t even do my 2-3 minute walk warm up to the Biggest Loser theme song”.

A mile goes by…..and I think, “oh, I’m ok…wow…I’M OK!”

So I keep running.

And another mile goes by….and I think, “FLOCK OF SHEEP! I JUST RAN TWO MILES WITHOUT STOPPING!”

I know this amazing feeling is about to end soon, so I just keep saying to myself “Monique, just put one foot down at at a time to the beat of the music…”

Then the mind games began….
The last mile was so, SO H.A.R.D.
But I keep running…

It was almost like a fairy tale really, or like some out of body experience. Guys, this gym gal just isn’t me. I don’t push hard, I quit. This is the truth. I have been quitting things as an adult for so many years that I don’t even know what it is like to accomplish something, genuinely accomplish something on my own….for only me and no one else.

The dream like part was how the songs came on timed so perfectly.

I remember Bobbi from NHerShoes saying how when she ran the Chicago Marathon this past fall, and it was getting tough, the song by Fort Miner came on and helped push her through. I remember reading the words to that song and promptly downloading it on my IPod. That very same song came on at the beginning of my last mile, as my legs felt like lead, and I really REALLY wanted to stop. No joke. I couldn’t believe how perfectly it was timed, I smiled, thanked God out loud and kept running.
 

“This is 10% luck, 

20% skill, 

15% concentrated power of will, 

5% pleasure, 

50% pain,

and 100% reason to remember the name” 

I had to really talk to myself during the last half mile. I remember reading  a blog of someone who had just ran an ultra marathon. (Yep, you read that right: and ultra marathon. I’ll let you go ahead and guess how long that is, cuz who cares how long it is? Anybody who runs an ULTRAMARATHON in my book should get a street named after them.)

She had pictures on her blog of some of the signs that were posted throughout the course. My absolute favorite was this one:

“It hurts up to a certain point, then it doesn’t hurt anymore”

So I repeated that until the screen said 46:10 and 3.1 miles complete.

I know, this is dramatic, but lemme have my moment folks!

I didn’t care how many calories I burned. I didn’t care how disgusting and sweaty I was. I didn’t even care that my frizzy natural curls made me look like Fragglerock. I literally wiped a few tears from my eyes, and completely did not care who was watching. 

I have never, ever felt a feeling like that before in my life. 

The only moment that has ever came close to that was when my husband told me that I was his best friend.

As the cool down started, these lyrics sang out in my ears from Nelly Furtado: 

“You're beautiful, and that’s for sure…you’ll never, ever fade”

Then I just couldn’t wait to get to my cell phone to tell my best friend. 

So when I got in the car, believe it or not, a song that I had never heard before came on the radio before I turned on my customary audiobook, and given the author of the lyrics, I am sure the rest of the song will most definitely not fit, for a few sure stuck out for me as Drake rapped on:

“Everybody dies, not everybody lives….”

Wow. So true, right? I really felt in that moment on the treadmill that I had not really been living. I have so much pain in my life from my childhood. So much that I hold back the tears right now as I type. I have so much regret from my early adult years, so much…..just so much emotional garbage holding me back from ever feeling happy…REALLY happy. 

That moment on the treadmill was IT for me. 

 

I felt like….WOW I can….I CAN MAKE MYSELF HAPPY. 

What a revelation that all I have to do is make myself happy….

WOW.

I don’t have to wait for an apology, a payback, a pregnancy, a degree, a house or whatever else. That happiness is right in there, ready to be apart of my daily life….and I’m ready to let it. 

Life is NOT waiting on me to live it. Time just keeps going without me ever experiencing any amazing moments for myself. 

Today, I pushed myself to run farther and longer than I ever have, and boy did I really feel so alive.

And although I wish that moment could’ve lasted forever…

I now believe so firmly…that I can simply make that feeling appear again…

Any. Time. I. Want.

 

Look out world....let the living begin.

Thanks for reading,

    Monique

A Welcome and a Thank You

Hey Guys,

So today I just wanted to say a little of what’s on my heart. First of all welcome all my new readers! Wow, I cannot believe how many new readers I have gotten in such a short time. I am so happy and honored that you all feel I am worth your time. I am completely overwhelmed by the support that you guys have given me these past couple of weeks in the start up of my journey to lose this weight. Since I have kinda taken a back seat to my emotions and let them write these posts, this blog has truly helped me stay motivated and focused on my goal of getting down to a healthier weight, changing some of my negative thinking, and learn more about how I can help myself conquer my PCOS. I have made some new friends and even a friend in real life has started to follow me and offer support. I was extremely hesitant about showing people that I actually physically knew outside of the internet my blog, and yet lessons always seem to present themselves when needed. Your truest bestest friends are just that, your truest and bestest friends. They are non judgmental, loving, caring and very supportive. I do not have very many, but I have one who is extra special to me, and is truly a gift….quality over quantity folks. You guys who I only know over the internet have made little spaces for yourselves in the corners of my heart on a daily basis. I often think of how one person is doing with their workouts today, or how another person is doing with their food choices today, or often (in infertility land) I lately have been wondering how certain people have been doing with their new pregnancies and such, and how some of my readers who are dealing with other major health issues are doing on their day to day journey. I am so thankful and grateful that this has turned into a positive experience for me so far. I know that sometimes people get negative comments and such. I am so happy that wonderful people have found me and chosen to follow me and my journey and my ramblings. I really would love to be there for you guys as well.

If you are a reader and not a follower, that’s ok. I appreciate you as well. Thanks for stopping by. :-)

So a huge thank you to all who are following. It really means so very much. 

Stay tuned: I am working on a video to upload instead of a post because it is faster to get everything in that I want to update you on. I am not professional and will not be editing it or any of that. Simply talking, ending and posting, so be prepared for tons of umms and pauses as I gather my thoughts!

Hope you guys are having a great day!!!

Thanks for reading,
    Monique

Weigh-In #1

Wow, guys and gals….just wow.

If this isn’t proof to myself that I need to continue to go to the gym and get that movement in…I don’t know what else it will take. I spent months and months of mediocre, half hearted exercise and dieting and only lost 12 lbs. I spend one week of hardcore tracking calories and getting 5 days of good sweaty activity in, keeping this updated helped A LOT, and look what happened….

Yeah, I know….you can sit down now and end the applause, I didn’t cure a disease for crying out loud. No but seriously, I am ONLY kidding. I am just excited! I have not seen this number in a very long time. Now here’s the hard part….keep keep keep it up girl! 

I know this is a bigger number because it is the first week, but I just want it to go down and not up every week. That is my goal. I do not care how much, just not up. Letting it stay the same might be ok with me as well, just not up...we will see what happens.

This is going to be a short one because I am rushing to get ready for work, but I just had to get this in exactly 7 days after my first one for my own personal record keeping. I will be posting longer tomorrow to continue my series on catching up with things going on from December. 

Check out my gratitude journal! It is really helping me on a daily basis more than I thought it would to find the light in some dark moments in my days. It's pretty great. 

Thanks for reading,

  Monique

Christmirth Gifts

Yup. You read that correctly. It’s Christmirth gifts that I got. One week of Christmas gifts and seven days later I got birthday gifts. I just made that up with my stellar intelligence that I possess. Be jealous…or keep quiet due to copyright issues if you’ve read this before.

So I got a few things here and there for Christmas, but the most awesome things I got are related to this blog, so I thought I would share.

My husband sees me go in and out of stores every week wanting terribly to buy certain things for myself, and I just can never bring myself to do it. I have a serious issue with feeling like I am worth that money that is spent on something that I want, and not simply absolutely need it. I have always been this way, and am working on the desire to feel worth buying myself something with my personal cash just because I want it, and not because I have to.

That being said, My husband and my mother in law set out on a journey to conspire together to get me something that I have wanted for a very long time now to go with our Wii system….

My mother in law got this for me for Christmas and I almost jumped out of my seat after I unwrapped it!

My husband got these for me for my birthday!

SOOOOO AWESOME!!!!!!!!

I have not even begun any programs on either of my workouts, because it is a heavy work week, and I have actually been going to the gym. So I will have to let you guys know how awesome they are this weekend! Anyway, I was so delighted and overjoyed.

My husband made this birthday the best birthday I have ever had. I do not have awesome childhood birthday party memories or even any adult parties to speak of that were particulary awesome and memorable. He didn’t do anything in particular like a party, but he just made sure that I knew that it was completely my day to be happy and celebrate my birth with him and his family. It was awesome. I felt so amazing, and better than I had in a good long while.
Friday for New Year’s Eve, we went to see the Christmas exhibit in the city, had Mexican for lunch and then went to the casino for a dinner buffet & the countdown (courtesy of his VIP Aunt, yes I know, I know…VIP…I keep my comments to myself).

 

Saturday we went out to breakfast at our favorite place with his cousins, and get this: the waitress didn’t sing that obnoxious version of Happy Birthday, clap loudly, dance on the tables, or whatever the heck they do….she gave me a hug. It was priceless. 

We then spent the evening with his parents playing taboo, watching movies and eating my awesome birthday cake! 

 

I don’t know how to really express how amazing I felt that they went through all the trouble to make me feel special. I just felt so blessed, and quite honestly it pretty much wiped away all the Christmas misery that I had.

Best. Birthday. Ever.

Thanks for reading,

  Monique

Holi-“daze”….

Hey Friends,

So let me start this off by saying that this is not a happy post. Flowers, cupcakes and sunshine will not be found here today, but I have to get it out. Sometimes just expressing something makes it easier to deal with than holding it in and letting it fester.

First of all, I believe that Christmas is a day that has been set aside to acknowledge & celebrate the birth of Jesus. I get that, go to Christmas service, the whole beautiful shebang. I love it.

However, when you work in RETAIL as I have for the past 11 years, the meaning slides further and further into the background and psychotic ridiculousness takes center stage….

How much is this? Is this toy half off yet? How do I know if this light string works? Why won’t my coupon work? Why can’t I use a check to purchase a visa gift card? You’re an idiot and you should not be in business. I don’t care if you’re sorry, fix my problem. Can I talk to the manager? (I am the manager…) Oh really….can I talk to YOUR manager? Can I have the corporate headquarters phone number?

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, bleepity blah, blah. 

It seriously wears your spirit down to nothing. I am by no means saying that this is not a regular occurrence when working in retail, because it is. Christmas time however, brings out the special crazy juices oozing & flowing from people. It is the truth. I hate it. It sucks. This is the time when I feel most like “a paycheck is just a paycheck”….and it most certainly is.

Christmas time also reminds me how old I am getting. My birthday is January 1st, and I am never happy about it. I have obvious personal reasons as to why I am never happy about it. The main is my getting closer and closer to 30, and still not having achieved so many things that my little internal child wants to achieve. I just want so badly to be away from my awful job, get finished with my friggin degree finally, buy a house…you know, all that super awesome grown up stuff! It’s just depressing that life keeps getting in the way, or I never have been able to complete what I have set out to achieve. And as people are setting their New Years Resolutions, I am dreading the adding of yet another 1 to my age, having not a whole bunch to show for it.

Truth be told, the past 3 years emotionally have been pretty amazing. Someday I will go into the lengthy story of why that is. In short, my husband is my greatest blessing by a mile, and has set the stage for a calmer, happier and more peaceful life in which to make my goals more easier to accomplish. Hopefully this year will be my best yet!!!!

The other thing that makes the holidays so awful for me is obviously the fact that I don’t have any children to share it with. This ache in my heart is always there every single year (even before I got married, worse when I was diagnosed with PCOS) wishing that I was buying toys for my little one, instead of an army load of nieces, nephews and cousins. I can’t speak for everyone, since I don’t have kids, but I must say that there is something about the magic of children on Christmas day.

I want to bake cookies with my daughter, play with my son and his new tonka trucks, feel that warm feeling deep down in my belly watching my husband put together dollhouse and train sets, make pancakes in the kitchen while they play in the living room with their new toys, watch my kids up front during the church service on Christmas Eve sing about Jesus in His manger, taking tons of pictures and crying the whole time, get the customary school personally made ornament for the tree, and simply watch their faces light up with joy upon revealing what each box holds.

Man….that was tough to type…

Someday, someday, someday…

This year was particularly hard because it just seemed like everyone was pregnant or had just given birth. So I opted to hide out at home alone until my overnight shift started instead of going to the extended family’s gathering. I just couldn’t deal. Not sure if that makes me a bad person, but it sure made everything so much more pleasant for me by simply waiting until it was over.


In the end, I decided that I need to make the most of the true meaning behind Christmas and focus on that. I need to focus on making what I do have just a little bit brighter for next year.

It was fine, but truly, I am glad that it’s over for another year.


Thanks for reading,

    Monique

Happy New Year and Happy Birthday to me!

Hey Friends,
Long time not chat, huh? Well, as was said in my last post, I was having a little rougher time dealing with the holidays than I expected. I just simply had to get them out of the way, focusing on the meaning behind them rather than what I want them to be, and forging ahead.
I have been doing pretty good with my eating habits, and semi decent on my workouts. I must admit, back a few weeks ago when I had decided that I was ready to change my mediocre weight loss progress into something awesome, I failed to be realistic about the  holidays that were sure to come no matter what my plan. I did ok, skipped some outings, picked and chose which ones were important, and had an amazing and carefree time on my birthday (which was Saturday, in case you didn’t know).

This week I plan to recap the past few weeks for you guys including:

• what made the holidays so hard for me…
• the awesome things I got for Christmas
• the EVEN MORE awesome things I got for my birthday seven days later
• how I had the best birthday I have ever had this year
• how I did on my chart that I started about a month ago
• where I am at emotionally with some stuff in my life about my weigh loss.
• how I want to help support all of you in your weight loss goals, and start some accountability chains

I really have to get you guys caught up before my Spring semester starts next Monday! Then I will be able to post regularly about twice a week. I have a plan!

For awhile, my blog may seem mostly like a weight loss (and sometimes food) blog, and for awhile, it sort of will be. This is just what I am choosing to focus on more right now in my life.

Also, if you have noticed Finding the Courage to Change got a HUGE facelift! I have also been spending my time (A LOT OF TIME) working on this. I really needed a better place to keep track of my workouts and such to help me stay focused. Please take some time to look around, and comment if you want to know more about something. Stop by and say hello! :-)

Thanks for reading,
  Monique