Here Goes Nothin'...

Hi Readers...

Sorry for the long and wordy post....but I needed to do this...

I am writing today because I truly need to get some stuff off my chest in the worst way. I need you to know some things before you continue to read my blog...if anyone out there is still reading...

I started blogging awhile ago because it looked like so much fun. For awhile, it really was....until I started trying to be like other bloggers, that is. Then all the fun was drained away, and it became more and more like a chore. I was...and still kinda am...afraid to blog about what is really going on inside my mind and internal life for that matter.

Then Lisa wrote a post that changed it all for me...literally. 

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When I began blogging, it REALLY helped me lose some weight (a good amount) that I had been trying to lose for awhile. I loved the accountability of it all. Really in essence, that was all. But if you are going to be writing so many things about what is going on in your life, it becomes pretty difficult to ignore the tough stuff if your heart is so full of it.

I hide my blog from my family, and what very few friends that I have, because mainly most people in my life circle still do not even know what a blog is...let alone understand why I would put so much private information on the internet. I hide it because my intention was to eventually release more of my horrible inner thoughts and feelings out there...in hopes that maybe someone would understand what I am going through and would offer some coping mechanisms as to how they deal with it....up until now, I was still just afraid to. 

The most awesome girls on the internet EVER, Lisa and Tina have REALLLLLY made an impact on me as a person lately, showing me that it really is ok to be honest and open and really to truly be more comfortable in my own skin. I am so very far from this, to say in the least, but they really have helped me see that there is much to be said about being open and honest and allowing that to help you to be more comfortable in your own skin and also deal with issues that are going on inside. I will forever be grateful to their blogging. 

I have been sporadic in my blogging because a)nursing school has completely taken over my life and b)everything...and I do mean everything...that consumes my thoughts on a daily basis, I question whether or not I should blog about it. I do not eat healthy every minute of everyday. I do not exercise everyday. I do not do fantastic fun things on a daily basis. I cannot afford to eat awesome new organic foods everyday....or run 20 miles....or go to various events....I am just me, and that's all I got, folks.

I seriously let that scare me away from blogging and using it in the way that I want: a tool for mental release, and maybe make some friends along the way. I have to remind myself of that in order to even get going on a post sometimes.

I want (and pretty much need) some kind of support system, and I see so many people connecting through the amazing circle of healthy living blogs and it draws me in. Sometimes I feel like I will find my "internet soul sister" through blogging like some others have made such close friends....and then I feel ridiculous for thinking that. I don't know why, I just do.

You see, it's not the internet that is stopping me from "finding an internet soul sister"...it's me.

I have not been diagnosed by a doctor formally, I just know what I feel. Depression: yes, anxiety: not as of yet.

I have severe anxiety, pretty much all the time as it relates to people and specifically relationships with people. Oddly enough, I do not have problems in a man/woman type relationship....just those relationships that require me to be liked by the other person (such as in a friendship) or requiring some type of approval from the other person (such as in teacher/student or boss/employee).

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I don't know how to actually describe the actual cycle of feelings, emotions and high levels of anxiety that I go through, but let me tell you...it's rough.

I guess I can go ahead and give you the background on this to help you understand more....I CANNOT believe I am doing this...but alas, you will never be able to deal with those things that you are not able to confront and fully face...

(sigh)

I was sexually abused as a child (wow...I can't believe I just typed that out in real words for all of the internet world to see...), and from many therapy sessions and books, I have learned that this leads to an irrational inability to have healthy relationships, constituting being codependent, and usually leads to having a pretty severe problem with people pleasing....and needing to do it all the time, and dealing with it in the most unhealthy ways when the pleasing doesn't turn out the right way, and also feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough for you or anyone else. It can lead to self destructive behavior (I have the cutting marks from when I was younger on my arm and a pretty scarred body from years of having a severe problem puncturing my acne to prove it) and  like overeating or the undereating (hello bulimia in high school, binge eating and gaining 70 lbs after highschool) and also in my case, antisocial issues (cue reasons I have zero friends). Being treated like an object at such a young age just leads to an enormous pile of nasty unwanted psychological and emotional issues...that take a VERY long time to resolve. I will tell you that I am honestly still dealing with them all. So from this, I can say that feelings of intense nervousness and anxiety levels are high, and my self worth, body image, confidence, etc are pretty much ridiculously nonexistent.

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So I say all this to say that I want so very badly to blog....I do it in my head everyday. Then I realize that blogging is hard because I can't be honest and open like I want. So why go on and on about some fake stuff when that's truly not at all what is real in my heart at the time?

So I think that form now on, I am simply going to blog about whatever I am feeling, whenever I am feeling it...as scary as that sounds, I need to get it out of my head.

I needed to get this out because my anxiety, depressed thoughts and poor confidence are affecting my life in the most terrible way right now. I want to cry just thinking about it...nursing school. I have been taking my prerequisites for TEN YEARS just to be able to get into the program, and I WILL NOT allow my past to determine my future. I just won't. If it's one thing that I have learned from nursing school so far, it's that you have to be confident in what you are learning. I cannot continuously doubt myself when taking care of a patient, or constantly wonder if my clinical group likes me or not, if my instructor thinks I am stupid, and lose sleep and hyperventilate over all of this crazy nonsense! I have worked so damn hard to get to this point, I will not let myself ruin my future. Today, I had a wake up call when my teacher was testing me on blood pressure and I said the wrong number out loud. She was obviously listening also, so she could tell me if I was wrong or right. Nerves were obviously the culprit here, which some may say is normal. However, the ridiculous outpouring of negative verbal abuse, tears and almost hyperventilation that I gave to myself that lasted for almost 4 hours...is not normal. My goodness, I am getting another go at it on Thursday, so what's the big deal??? I can say that now...but I wasted 4 whole hours to get to that point.

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I am ready to face this once and for all. I know I can do this. I have dealt with so much more in life than I ever thought I could handle....but with God's help, I did. 

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So just in typing all this and seeing it so much more clear out in words, I feel so much better already.

Please, I would just ask that in knowing what I have just told you about how sensitive and emotionally unstable (seriously) I feel, please just choose your words carefully. I understand that by putting this out there I am opening myself up to any and everything anybody has to say, but please be kind. I would ask that you could somehow just open up your heart and be there for a stranger, if not...no comment is completely fine. Just for today, realize that someone right next to you could be going through some pretty hard stuff that is driving how they are dealing with everyday life.

Though there is (unfortunately) MUCH more where this came from, but this is all I can emotionally handle today. 


Thanks for reading,
Monique