Everybody Dies, Not Everybody Lives

(I am still trying to figure out how to do a good video, but my feelings right now are too good not to blog about, you’ll see…)

I am sitting here icing my shins and my left ankle (because of my prior Achilles tendonitis last summer) feeling good and quite emotional….

I am sitting here wondering what I have let hold me back from being happy for so freaking long since I left home at 17….

I am sitting here feeling so alive, like I can achieve anything that I put my mind to…..
 

Folks…

I jogged at a 4.0 speed today at the gym for 46 minutes and 10 seconds and a total of 3.1 miles without stopping for walk breaks.

This may not be fast for some, but I don’t care.

This may not be far for some, but I don’t care about that either.

It may not be outside yet (because it is 25 degrees here), but I still don’t care.

My dream is coming true, and I am doing it for myself….a dream that no one can give me, do for me or buy me:

I am running.

 

For years I have sat back and read Runner’s World magazine, listened to people’s running stories, and most recently reading blogs about people and their marathons. You see, I used to run in high school on the soccer team, but I was the goalie….watching longingly at people who were running around the field covered in sweat, but still going. I had to do my share before games, during practice, but at age 15 and 120lbs, running a mile or two is like a joke really.

I started running outside last summer, but not very consistently and no stretching was involved….I quickly injured myself, and in my mind was put back in the goalie box again.

Last month I started back jogging on the treadmill sporadically, and last week I went at it like crazy, taking all my advice I had stored up to heart…taking a day in between to cross train on another machine, doing leg strength training, lots and LOTS of stretching and some yoga.

Today I went into the gym with the same thing on my mind as I have had for the last 14 days or so….just get this crap done.

I got into the locker room, went into my gym bag and frantically almost had a heart attack when I couldn’t find my IPod. It is treadmill day, and I cannot ENDURE the pain without the tunes. Finally I find it, dredge through my push weight routine first….cuz Jillian says that you burn more fat if you strength train first is what is going through my head…so finally I hop on the treadmill and a thought crosses my mind. I’ve got some time today, so why don’t I do more than 30 minutes like I did the other day when I had time and did 40 minutes? Then another thought crossed my mind, why don’t I forget about time today and practice for that 5K I want to do in the Spring? I know that they say the treadmill is easier, but for now, who cares? I just want to see how long it takes me inside to walk/run it so that I can gauge what it will take outside to run the entire thing, because that is my goal.

So I start of jogging at a 4.0 speed, which yes is still running to me. I was definitely not strolling along Park Avenue….I was sweating. I started off running thinking, well I’m sure as heck not gonna WALK the first 5 minutes at a public race, now am I? So let’s pretend like it’s race day and see what you got!

I keep going, thinking “oh this running is gonna end soon, cuz I didn’t even do my 2-3 minute walk warm up to the Biggest Loser theme song”.

A mile goes by…..and I think, “oh, I’m ok…wow…I’M OK!”

So I keep running.

And another mile goes by….and I think, “FLOCK OF SHEEP! I JUST RAN TWO MILES WITHOUT STOPPING!”

I know this amazing feeling is about to end soon, so I just keep saying to myself “Monique, just put one foot down at at a time to the beat of the music…”

Then the mind games began….
The last mile was so, SO H.A.R.D.
But I keep running…

It was almost like a fairy tale really, or like some out of body experience. Guys, this gym gal just isn’t me. I don’t push hard, I quit. This is the truth. I have been quitting things as an adult for so many years that I don’t even know what it is like to accomplish something, genuinely accomplish something on my own….for only me and no one else.

The dream like part was how the songs came on timed so perfectly.

I remember Bobbi from NHerShoes saying how when she ran the Chicago Marathon this past fall, and it was getting tough, the song by Fort Miner came on and helped push her through. I remember reading the words to that song and promptly downloading it on my IPod. That very same song came on at the beginning of my last mile, as my legs felt like lead, and I really REALLY wanted to stop. No joke. I couldn’t believe how perfectly it was timed, I smiled, thanked God out loud and kept running.
 

“This is 10% luck, 

20% skill, 

15% concentrated power of will, 

5% pleasure, 

50% pain,

and 100% reason to remember the name” 

I had to really talk to myself during the last half mile. I remember reading  a blog of someone who had just ran an ultra marathon. (Yep, you read that right: and ultra marathon. I’ll let you go ahead and guess how long that is, cuz who cares how long it is? Anybody who runs an ULTRAMARATHON in my book should get a street named after them.)

She had pictures on her blog of some of the signs that were posted throughout the course. My absolute favorite was this one:

“It hurts up to a certain point, then it doesn’t hurt anymore”

So I repeated that until the screen said 46:10 and 3.1 miles complete.

I know, this is dramatic, but lemme have my moment folks!

I didn’t care how many calories I burned. I didn’t care how disgusting and sweaty I was. I didn’t even care that my frizzy natural curls made me look like Fragglerock. I literally wiped a few tears from my eyes, and completely did not care who was watching. 

I have never, ever felt a feeling like that before in my life. 

The only moment that has ever came close to that was when my husband told me that I was his best friend.

As the cool down started, these lyrics sang out in my ears from Nelly Furtado: 

“You're beautiful, and that’s for sure…you’ll never, ever fade”

Then I just couldn’t wait to get to my cell phone to tell my best friend. 

So when I got in the car, believe it or not, a song that I had never heard before came on the radio before I turned on my customary audiobook, and given the author of the lyrics, I am sure the rest of the song will most definitely not fit, for a few sure stuck out for me as Drake rapped on:

“Everybody dies, not everybody lives….”

Wow. So true, right? I really felt in that moment on the treadmill that I had not really been living. I have so much pain in my life from my childhood. So much that I hold back the tears right now as I type. I have so much regret from my early adult years, so much…..just so much emotional garbage holding me back from ever feeling happy…REALLY happy. 

That moment on the treadmill was IT for me. 

 

I felt like….WOW I can….I CAN MAKE MYSELF HAPPY. 

What a revelation that all I have to do is make myself happy….

WOW.

I don’t have to wait for an apology, a payback, a pregnancy, a degree, a house or whatever else. That happiness is right in there, ready to be apart of my daily life….and I’m ready to let it. 

Life is NOT waiting on me to live it. Time just keeps going without me ever experiencing any amazing moments for myself. 

Today, I pushed myself to run farther and longer than I ever have, and boy did I really feel so alive.

And although I wish that moment could’ve lasted forever…

I now believe so firmly…that I can simply make that feeling appear again…

Any. Time. I. Want.

 

Look out world....let the living begin.

Thanks for reading,

    Monique