Good morning Friends,
I’m in a stressed out mood today, as I have been for the past several days I guess. Adding onto the mood are the many, many people around me that are becoming pregnant and announcing it. I guess I just gotta work through this in order to get through it.
I am starting to get internally VERY stressed out. I am worried sick about getting into the nursing program for the Fall. With over 500 applicants at my school and every other person in every class saying that they’re applying and there being only 88 seats per semester…I just want to cry every single time I hear another person say it. My grades are competitive, all I have to do is do well on the entrance exam. I have been taking the prereqs for the RN program for 10 years now, and the culmination of it all is now really starting to hit home very hard because there is no more prep to be done…only to apply, wait and see. I struggle immensely with wondering and hoping that this is God’s will for me in my life. I have prayed about it, and seemingly the only thing left to do is wait. Yes I know that I can reapply for the Spring, but who wants to wait another year, right? It’s tough, but it’s very, very real and very much on my mind every minute of the day lately.
Then there are the preggers….they are everywhere in my circle. I want to say, hey guys, can you quit having sex just until I know whether or not I got into the nursing program so I can be excited about something too, since my ovaries won’t exactly produce the news that yours does? Am I wrong for saying that there are some who I am more excited about for their pregnancy than others? Yup, this is my blog, I don’t care, maybe I shouldn't hit publish, but here goes…
This is not about any of you, so please do not be offended…
Really, if you can’t stand the toddler that you already have, is it necessary to reproduce again? Is it really going to be any easier for you with another child? Why are so many girls out there getting pregnant for the very sake of trying to get the guy to stay with them? It absolutely breaks my heart the way a child is used so many freaking times as a pawn in a relationship. Or why now are you all of a sudden pregnant with your first baby when he just broke up with you? (Oh, yeah it must be because now after the announcement you’re back together) My heart is so broken right now about this, I can’t say it enough. Why? Why? Why? I want so badly to be able to give my husband the gift of those tiny hands in his, those big eyes staring up at him saying Daddy, and all the love that he can possibly handle. I want so badly to be able to give a child the amazing gift of knowing that Jesus died so that he or she can go to this wonderful place called heaven for all of eternity.
I’m usually ok, really I am. I am focused on my weight loss as a means to take better care of this one body that I was given, and I WILL do that. I am focused on my education as a means to provide better opportunities for myself in my life and for my family. But I just gotta say…sometimes, I have a moment that needs to be taken care of.
No it is not my place to say who can and cannot have children. Is it jealousy. Hello…is this my blog? ABSOLUTELY I am jealous. Jealous of some I will admit, but happy for others at the same time.
Life is funny, huh? You never know what you will find yourself struggling with.
I am happy to say that these moments that I have are few and far in between. These moments after yet another pregnancy announcement used to ruin my entire WEEK. No joke. Now it doesn’t last nearly a half hour of pitying myself and my situation…and THANK GOD I can now simply move on. I just have too much to be thankful for in my life. Like my husband says…they may have babies, and we may wish it was our turn, but at least we know that we are genuinely happy. Right now. Together. And isn’t that all that matters? Sure is.
Thanks for reading,
Monique
I completely understand how you are feeling as I am in the same situation. ((((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteGirl tell us how you REALLY feel! Good for you! Hope that was as cathartic to write as it was for me to read it! I SO hear you about the people getting pregnant thread... as for nursing school, study hard girl, and you will do just fine. I don't know that for sure, but I do know that the more you study and take practice tests, the better you will do-that is a proven fact. ;-) So pray good and study harder! I KNOW how you feel, I get so anxious when I hear about others applying for the same stuff I want. I wish you the very very best!
ReplyDeletePolar's Mom
www.polarspage.blogspot.com
To my sweet friend,
ReplyDeleteEverything you are going through is completely normal and important for you to acknowledge and work through. In a couple weeks, I have a post coming that's going to be along the lines of "we want to be ok, we want to not be jealous, but you have to let us get there on our own, and it takes a ridiculous amount of time to get there."
You are fantastic no matter if you can ever get pregnant or get in nursing school. You are, as always, my hero.
I wish the very best for you in life and that you have it all very soon- nursing school, a baby, and your goal weight! It's good to let it all out and vent and I'm truly inspired at how hard you work on achieving your goals. Pregnancy is not even a little fair, seems to have no rhyme or reason as to who gets pregnant and when, wish we could pass some kind of law to change that!
ReplyDeleteI bet after all this, you are feeling a little bit better.. I wish I had some kind of answers, but I know that nursing school is NOT something you want to do with a pregnancy, let alone a newborn..
ReplyDeleteMaybe God is trying to give you one stressful thing at a time? You have your hubby, and you are going in the right direction with school.. if you don't get into nursing school for the fall, maybe that's God's way of giving you "time off" from stressful classes and giving you a stress-free life to make a baby?
I wish you all the luck in the coming months, as I am right there with ya applying to nursing school.. I'm freaked out as well..
It feels so good to be truely honest and let it all out sometimes, right? I read this post and couldn't help but agree with like 99.9% of everything. My ovaries are defective, too. It would be so nice just to go on Amazon.com and purchase a pair or even eBay. I'd go as far as purchasing a pair of used ones that were still in good working order. LOL Crazy I know. TFS!
ReplyDeleteGood for you for writing this. Things do happen for a reason, even if we don't understand what it is. Just keep doing what you're doing and putting yourself first with the weight loss, etc. and you'll be where you want in no time I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteBig hug your way!! You are doing a fantastic job and keep up what you are doing!! Focus on your hubby, your schooling, and losing weight! That's enough stress for one body! I agree with everything happening for a reason, and when God knows you are ready, anything can happen :)
ReplyDeleteIt is normal to go through negitive emotional moments. The key is to feel them, acknowledge them, embrace them, then move on. Dont let it derail the hard work you have already put in. You are human and will experience this over and over again but you are also strong and determined and will overcome anything!
ReplyDeleteLove and encouragement
Suzanne
Hi. Don't hate me, but I'm citing you as a blog I love on mine. Stop by to say hi! Emailing you is on my to-do list for the day, if not today, sometime this weekend.
ReplyDeleteMonique I have been dealing with the same for 15 years..I am finally at that place where I will be Ok without children but I went through many years of heartache,test,doctors..You name it! I finally had to leave it up to god!
ReplyDelete