Tough Stuff

Ok, let me just say that I am still alive. I am still consciously working on my journey (until we reach my birthday when the plans will definitely change), food has just been ok, and workouts have definitely been slacking. Time to work out some feelings…

It is Christmas time. I usually have a hard time around Christmas time because I do not have children yet, and simply feel every year like it is just not as fun to wake up without that on Christmas morning. I know that gifts and all that are not the reason for the season. Please do not get me wrong. I definitely know that. However, I can’t help but just be a little honest about turning 27 and still not having them. In case you hadn’t read about it before, my husband and I do have fertility issues. I have been dealing with that, and not wanting to have a pity party about it on my blog.

For those of you who are new readers, I am working on changing my blog so that you can know what’s going on in other departments of my life that may influence my weight loss efforts. I do feel that exterior things do affect how focused (or not) you are at certain times during your weight loss journey.

Please bare with me as I was not expecting to have this hit me like this this holiday season. I was totally fine, and too many outside things have flared up different emotions this week and have completely thrown me for a loop in my focus.

I appreciate it so very much when you DO read and your comments mean the world to me.

Just give me a couple days to get it together.

I’m still here.

Thanks for reading,
   Monique

Day 7: Things just happen sometimes…

(what a huge bummer, right? why does it even need to be this cold…ever?)

I will start out by saying that the  past several days I have been doing quite well on my eating goals, not as well on my movement goals. That will change today, as I plan to head out to the gym after making this post, but boy does life just happen to you sometimes, and you are forced to sit back and react simply because you weren’t expecting it. Yesterday was going to be the end of my 3 day hiatus from activity, and I had specific planned time and a workout that I was going to do at the gym. I took the break because I was so freaking sore from being so active last week that it was almost tough for me to sit on the dang toilet because my quads and hamstrings were so tight from the treadmill running. No biggie: no pain, no gain right? Or shall I say no lose? I was happy feeling sore and felt like I had been doing something for once. So I stretched and stretched my way through the weekend and planned to add weights on Monday…then for some odd reason I got a nasty sinus headache. I felt like my eye balls were trying to come out of their sockets through my nostrils. And if that wasn’t enough, my husband also called me to tell me that on the way home from work, a pretty decent sized rock blasted his windshield (on his huge truck, no less)…so obviously we’re gonna have to pay for that. What a bummer, you know? We are trying as hard as we possibly can to save money for a down payment on a house when our lease ends, and sometimes….things just happen, I guess. Sucks, but oh well.

On a better note, I did pretty awesome on my day off yesterday! Usually I don’t eat nearly enough because I am just not that hungry when I am sitting around my apartment. I get a little lazy, but I am not one to eat out of boredom. My metabolism really suffers because of it. So yesterday I continued my eating every three hours, and I even made a healthy dinner for us. Yesterday, we were married 18 months, and so I thought I would make something special that he really likes, only a bit more healthy.

So for our 18 month “semi-versary” I made these yummy peppers. I modified the recipe so that it was a little bit healthier than the one in the book, but it turned out pretty good. I used ground turkey instead of ground beef, reduced sodium chicken broth and reduced fat cheese. He loved it, and that’s what matters. I had never had them before, so it was new to me.

Anyways, guys…I’m off to the gym! Today is another off day, so the forced eating continues. Just kidding. I hope you guys had a great day yesterday! Let me know how it was! Let's keep going guys! 

Thanks for reading,
    Monique

Day 5 & 6: Double Dough

Hey Guys,

This is just....I don't know. Gonna need a mental release right now. So here's the deal. There is a Chicago Bears (football) game today and my husband is a DIE HARD Bears fan. Like super hard. Every Sunday afternoon is a small social event. I had this whole post of the summary of my weekend planned, but I am seriously battling something right now. My husband and my father in law are out in my living room ordering my favorite food. The thing is that around here, we don't do so well on the weekends. When the weekend hits, my husband is pretty social and even when I have a dinner prepped, it seems as though we end up either eating out or at a social gathering. I don't know what it is about the weekend, but it seems to be tempting in and of itself. No joke. It's extremely frustrating. He was just in here trying to convince me that having 3 slices of double dough sausage, green peppers and onion pizza has gotta be "only like 300 calories a slice or so"....when OBVIOUSLY neither of us (and probably the very people who made it) have no clue how many calories are truly in a slice. So here's the deal. It is not his fault, nor am I angry at him. I am angry because I am holding back the tears, though because I want to have some so bad, and yet I have not weighed myself at all since I said that I was gonna not do so until my birthday, I feel like I know my self well enough to know what it will do to my hard work for the past week. THAT has been a battle all in itself. I am so frustrated with myself for simply wanting to weigh myself so freaking badly. The other day all I wanted was to weigh myself so bad just to see what was happening since last week. I have been doing amazing and thought that maybe I could reward myself with just a peek. Of course I did not because I commanded my husband to hide it from me and not to give it to me under any circumstances. I wonder...do I have some sort of disorder? Am I struggling with something that is out of the normal range or is this really all OK? I am sitting in here wanting to cry because they are in there about to have my favorite food for dinner, and I am refusing to eat any. I cannot believe I even told them that I didn't want any of it, and they could order for themselves. I just don't wanna be fat anymore. It's not about the weight, although let's be honest, I would love to be able to fit into something that's fitted and not have soft rolls around my midsection and quite a padded bottom as an accessories. At this point, I just wanna feel like I can do this for myself. Maybe I just wanna feel like I wanna know that I can do this at all? I don't wanna be a failure at this again. I wanna be proud of myself. FOR SOMETHING. I see blogs where people are running their 5Ks for the first time, and I didn't want to say this yet, but it is a HUUUUUUGE goal of mine to be able to run a full 5K without stopping to walk. I have never even done a 5K at all, but it is my goal. Eating pizza (twice as doughed as normal pizza) is not going to get me lighter, healthier and fitter to be able to do that. I feel sluggish, gain like 5 pounds (literally) from sodium in it, and do the whole "feel guilty" about it. I know that this is probably a disorder of some sort, but I am doing what I can to make better choices in life and to combat the cycle....it is just so freaking hard. There really isn't even a word for how hard it is.

I just....I don't know. I am feeling very heavy today. I am still doing ok. We even had Subway for lunch and I ate very well. Then why do I feel so awful? Is it because I feel sad that my husband is still succumbing to the weekend? Maybe. I would feel so stupid and embarrassed to think that I am sad because I am not getting to eat pizza and yet my husband who really should not be eating it either is getting to enjoy it. Maybe. Could it be as simple as my wanting to fit into my old jeans again? Maybe so.

At the very base of it all....

I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR MYSELF. 

~NOTE TO SELF~

HELLO MONIQUE:

NO ONE IS GOING TO HOLD YOUR HAND 

AND WALK YOU TO THE GYM. 

NO ONE IS GOING TO WATCH YOUR PORTIONS 

FOR YOU. 

NO ONE IS GOING TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT FOR YOU. 

THAT'S IT, and that's all there is to it. 

If my husband never loses any weight whatsoever, I will love him the very same way that I do today, and I will not love him anymore if he loses a hundred pounds. I will be proud of him, but I will not have any extra love for my sweet husband for being thinner. So there is that. But will I love myself more? Probably. I really think so. You know why? Because I will have dug deep and proven that I am capable of something great. I will take control of this mess of a rather larger amount of extra poundage I am holding onto, because I feel like there is toxic pain hanging on inside every extra fat cell. I owe this to myself. I don't need that pizza. I really do want it so bad, because I am hungry. But the fact of the matter is, right now I can't tell whether or not I am really hungry or if it's just because pizza is on it's way. I will tell you some truth: last night I must have eaten a million red and green plain M&Ms out of the candy drawer at work...obviously simply because they were there, and they were free. I didn't feel guilt, just physically yucky. I can move past that. I did. I just stopped and moved onto my better options, and realized that if I was eating these, that I must be really hungry for something and that I should just eat what will satisfy my belly, which worked. This pizza is not going to include a stopping point. We will eat it until it is gone. Simply because it is there, and for obvious reasons that it tastes good. So....in making a decision for myself, I know that I deep down do not want any pizza. I want how I feel right now being able to say no, which is amazing for me. This is my journey. Mine. And guess what? That feeling I'm holding onto...that's gotta be enough today, right now in this moment. It just has to be.

               

Day 4: Aggravation.

Hey Everyone,

So the beginning of this will be one of those posts where I will simply rant about nothing related to weigh loss.  Sorry, leave now if you are in a great mood,  because here’s the deal: I am pissed. I ordered a replacement ink cartridge from my printer from Dell no less, so you obviously know that they are not cheap. I live in an apartment building that you have to be buzzed in to get to my actual apartment building, so it is always a HUUUUUGE hassle to get anything delivered because of that. They have usually just rang the buzzer, then they come in down the hall and I sign for the dang thing. So this time SEEEEEVERAAAL days have gone by, I check online and it says that it was delivered 7 days ago….SEVEN. The UPS tracker says that it was delivered to the front door…meaning this time I think  that they left it outside. WHY…..why, oh why oh why would you leave ANYTHING labeled DELL on the outside of an apartment building in DECEMBER? AND to top it off, I think someone took it. WHAT THE WHAT? REALLY? (insert huge sigh) I am just flabbergasted. It’s Christmas season people. Go buy your own gifts instead of stealing people’s boxes of the front porch in winter. (insert duplicate huge sigh) Ok, I’m done. Sorry.
Sooooo…..onto yesterday in the land of weight loss!

Bored with my food pictures yet? Good, cuz here’s more!

Today was the first time I had this kind of pear before. It actually did taste different. Can’t say better, but less pear-y I guess.

I had this while I was out grocery shopping this morning. This particular flavor is so yummy to me. It tastes like a chewy graham cracker cookie or something, but it doesn’t have that much sugar. 

(the orange is some other personal goal that I am working on, and am obviously doing ok with since I got another sticker!)

Ahhhh….my exercise yesterday…my oh my was this DVD a tough one. I just bought it a few weeks ago and my legs were literally going to either fall off, cry for mercy or simply detach themselves and run away in horror crying for help from other escapee formerly tortured limbs. You think Jillian is tough on the Biggest Loser? I also have the 30 Day Shred with Jillian, and she is a puppy dog compared to Bob in this short workout. Yes, after I was done I went back and recorded a snippet just for you. You can thank me later. Just watch and see! 

                                   (Whoa. Did he just really make that noise at her? Yikes.)

It was quite hard, and I had to modify some of the exercises due to my beginner status on the DVD. But whoa, I don’t sweat very much as it is, yet during this 25 minute workout, I actually had to peel my clothes off prior to the shower. And obviously by the way, I am not being paid to review this DVD!
Anyways guys, I gotta run….to bed that is! I am pooped. It is a gym day, and my body is aching terribly, but if I skip today it will be waaay harder to go the next day. I know myself.


Thanks for all your wonderful comments and blogger love! It is sooooo encouraging!


Thanks for reading,
   Monique

Day 3: 6.0 Speed Sprint

Hey Guys!

I had this amazingly horrible sob story of how I had all these obstacles yesterday trying to derail me from going to the gym, and yet I prevailed and went anyways….and I am here to tell you that all that changed after after I left the gym. It was such an awesome feeling of accomplishment that I forgot all about the crappy work shift that I had, the family issues that I took to work with me, etc. I just felt on top of the world, and forgot about what was below.

I obviously am not one of those people that can make you wait all the way until the very end for the fun stuff! Maybe some days, but not today! Anyways, I started running outside this past summer and was doing a Couch to 5K program that I downloaded from iTunes. I was doing pretty good, but I got Achilles tendonitis after like a month or so, and totally depressed, I took it easy for awhile. So on Monday when I went to the gym for my 30 minutes of cardio, I started that all over again. It was super boring and I don’t like the music at all, so waiting for the beep for the next interchange where I begin running was torture. So today, I decided that I would just run as I felt and listen to my body. For the first song, I felt a burning pain up my front shin and ankle, then by the end of the first song (maybe 4 minutes or so) the pain went away and I just felt like I should keep going until I couldn’t. But folks….I ran for 2 MORE SONGS without stopping to walk!!!! I know that may not be very long for some people, but for me, it was amazing. AND please keep in mind that I am totally jogging, not going at Olympic break neck speed (5.0 at 1% incline). I was just pretty darn proud of myself at that point. Then, my 30 minutes obviously was not still up. I remembered some stuff I watched from the Biggest Loser, but thought for several LONG moments as I reminded myself that Jillian was NOT here egging me on and screaming in my face, nor were my fellow BFFS running along side me as a 10 man medical crew waited in the rafters in case I busted my you know what. But I did want to push myself, so I ended up doing sprints at the end. Guys…I got up to one minute 6.0 SPEED sprints (that’s sprints with an s) at 0.5% incline!!!!! I have NEVER seen a 6 on the treadmill with me on it before in my life. I am so SUPER happy right now, that I could care less about the crappy work night that I had. Or the family drama that is going on. It just doesn’t matter right now. I just wanted to share that!

Yesterday was also my midweek produce run to the grocery store. I try to make a small trip midweek to get more fruits and veggies so that the ones we may buy on the weekend do not have to make it through to the next weekend and go bad. Especially since it is 14 degrees outside here in the Midwest, Farmer Joe is not down the block plucking fresh strawberries for me.

I LOVE how cheap this store is! Look at all I got for about $15!!!! I love budgets!

We cannot afford organic at this time in our life together, surely someday, but we definitely do what we can, when we can. We always have to make sure to wash well! Being cheap, not organic and all…a couple times we had a stowaway!!!

Food for my shift…

Don’t forget the spoon!

Another yummy breakfast!

I hope you guys had an amazing day like I did (at least one that ended well erasing all the crappiness from throughout). If not, hope today is better!

Thanks SO MUCH for reading,

      Monique

Day 2...Creepin' Along

Hey there,

Boy do I wish these were real, and came from outside....

 

These are my favorite, and yes they're quite fake because it is in the TEENS outside temp-wise here in the glorious Midwest.  

Yesterday progressed pretty well.

Workouts at home still count!!!

These are the snacks that I take with me, and they last me separated into 4 small meals over the course of my shift and commute. This might get a little boring to you after awhile, but if you look closely, they're each just a little different. After I start my Master Plan (insert random finger tinkering, evil laughter and mysterious eyebrow movement), I will no longer post every single day my snacks. Some of my more interesting meals for sure, but for now, I gotta keep track! So daily food pics it is!

This is not me counting calories. This is me taking a look at the protein in the veggie breakfast sausages I ate for the past 2 days. Sometimes I can't believe that it's not really meat because they taste so good. They have way less fat and calories, and give me a really good dose of protein with my breakfast. I am trying to incorporate protein into every small meal that I eat during my day. It's supposed to help you stay full longer....not that I really need a long period of time, since I eat pretty much every 3 hours that I am awake like clockwork. 

Just some yummy lower calorie cereal on sale. Had to try. I think if no one saw, and the sugar and carbs weren't so bad on most cereals, I could eat it daily like all day maybe everyday forever....maybe. 

When I got home in the morning after my shift was done (thank the heavens), I had this yum yummy breakfast. The cereal was pretty good. Very light and vanilla-ee (or however you'd like to spell that).

I have expressed before on here how I have a hard time with the  people around me, such as co-workers and family who are not following any sort of healthy lifestyle diet and exercise plan whatsoever. I recently had a co-worker literally wave chocolate under my nose to entice me to eat a piece. Good thing I am not really achocolate person. I really would have rather slapped her pushed her hand away and politely told her not to do it again. I instead sat there burning on the inside from the containment of my anger while she laughed hysterically at her own stupid joke. Well my friends, when you don't make your point across well enough the first time, people tend to repeat their idiotness thinking it will be just as freaking hilarious as it was the first time. Unfortunately it was even less funny the second time she did it. Almost as unfunny as how she goes on and on every week about feeling "thinner" or "fatter" by a mere one or two pounds from all the garbage she ate over the weekend, all the while sipping a full blown, not diet coke, eating her chocolate bar and weighing 130lbs after having 2 kids.  Working with her is very hard sometimes. People, people, people....can't live with 'em, and you most certainly sometimes wish you were here living without 'em. I just had to get that off my chest. 

Anyways, I better get off here before I stay awake too long like I did yesterday. Gotta get rested! It's a gym day! 

Thanks for reading,

   Monique

Thank You.

Hey There,
I obviously owe you all a HUGE thank you for reading. I had no idea (seriously) that anyone would be reading my blog at all anymore since it was so new to begin with and I had pretty much abandoned it all together. You have no idea what it means to me, and how your awesome comments brightened my day.

That being said...

Here is how my yesterday went:

 

So, here we go....
I do not have to wait until tomorrow or Monday. Now is now, and that's what I hold in my hands. 

I have to do this. 
I will do this. 
I AM doing this. 
I need this.

 Period. 

I have a plan. That plan is not going to go into action for awhile, though. I need to get a little better organized with it and fit it into the other parts of my life a little nicer. Eventually I would love to have a weekly weigh-in video with measurements, charts and all the tools that I feel will keep me visually motivated. Right now, my goal is simply to fill up that chart that I made and have on my office wall with as many smiles as I can before my 27th birthday on January 1st. I also plan on not weighing myself until then. No numbers whatsoever. No calories, no weights, no measurements. I really just need to get my body feeling the workouts, the clean, lower calorie and smaller portioned food and the workouts. I know what I weighed last week and have measurements from last month, so I can just reference  those in 26 days. You know, what usually happens as I go on these escapades is that I get discouraged so easily by the scale depending on which way that it moves, that I  pretty much become paralyzed by each friggin' tenth of a pound...which truly is ridiculous. Elle had (and has had) the most amazingly encouraging post(s) helping me to remember that this is a crazy long and super hard journey. I am so ready. If you're reading, come back to see my fun plans, and I would love to encourage you as well. Please let me know if you're reading and you have a blog and would like to be accountable with me! Even if you don't have a blog, I would still love to "meet" you. Please email me! I just got an email from a month ago and hadn't even realized that I got it because I had trouble with it.

Wow. How amazing it is that things turn out the way that they do, right? When I started this blog, I named it this title and it took a turn that I hadn't planned on it taking. Now, how wonderfully fitting the title is! I will indeed find the courage to change, and dig deep inside to give myself something to be proud of....that came from inside for once. How amazing that will be....and I hope you're here to share it with me.

Thanks for reading,
      Monique 

What's on My Mind....

Hello There,

So here's the thing. I got this blog going, and really started to love it a lot. Took pics of my food, wrote posts, and even made a few blog friends along the way. The problem came when I quickly realized that I was not blogging at all about what was truly on my mind. I was blogging about what I thought people wanted to read, as well as focusing on this being a food blog. I stopped blogging because what I was blogging about was not fun anymore. It became more work than a hobby, and I am just not into having a second job at the moment....quite frankly ever again. Food blogs are simply beautiful. NOT when you are trying to lose weight....and you're me. I really need to refocus and decide whether or not this blog should continue as is and change the focus, or start fresh and be myself. I have since ended my posting, and found out that there are numerous kinds of blogs out there. Obviously I did not know this, seeing how food blogs were the first that I came across. I really need to lose this 50 or 60 pounds and I am doing a terrible job at it. I need to find people also who are struggling with PCOS as well. I need to blog about it and document my progress for me. HOWEVER...I was attracting a crowd of people that were simply blogging about their already current status as healthy eaters, and were already who only lost like 20 pounds or so. No offense, but those just make it look so kind easy (which obviously it is not...usually for anyone) It's awesome to have those people as support and friend types, too, to see that it is at least possible to be thinner and on the healthy range of charts (yes sometimes I feel the opposite) So don't get me wrong. Maybe I am just feeling crazy today or needy. Because obviously nobody can lose this weight for me. I need tips from people that have lost a significant amount of weight who get to this point where they feel like they simply do not want to continue because the rest seems so huge and daunting. Badly.

I also quit posting because I simply need people that I do not know who are not near to be my support. That's how I am. I kinda don't want to be found by those near me. I haven't found that helpful at all really. Only negative comments and nobody in my boat. My husband really is SO supportive, but he has his own friends and his own journey (which he is doing amazing on)

I need an outlet.

I need to be able to just release my thoughts and push the publish button and not care about what others think of it.

I need to not be afraid of cyber bullying and negative comments....because yes, I indeed am.

I need some blog friends, feel like I have lost the few I made because I stopped blogging.

Cuz right now, I am feeling pretty alone. And that's the raw truth.