Day 5 & 6: Double Dough

Hey Guys,

This is just....I don't know. Gonna need a mental release right now. So here's the deal. There is a Chicago Bears (football) game today and my husband is a DIE HARD Bears fan. Like super hard. Every Sunday afternoon is a small social event. I had this whole post of the summary of my weekend planned, but I am seriously battling something right now. My husband and my father in law are out in my living room ordering my favorite food. The thing is that around here, we don't do so well on the weekends. When the weekend hits, my husband is pretty social and even when I have a dinner prepped, it seems as though we end up either eating out or at a social gathering. I don't know what it is about the weekend, but it seems to be tempting in and of itself. No joke. It's extremely frustrating. He was just in here trying to convince me that having 3 slices of double dough sausage, green peppers and onion pizza has gotta be "only like 300 calories a slice or so"....when OBVIOUSLY neither of us (and probably the very people who made it) have no clue how many calories are truly in a slice. So here's the deal. It is not his fault, nor am I angry at him. I am angry because I am holding back the tears, though because I want to have some so bad, and yet I have not weighed myself at all since I said that I was gonna not do so until my birthday, I feel like I know my self well enough to know what it will do to my hard work for the past week. THAT has been a battle all in itself. I am so frustrated with myself for simply wanting to weigh myself so freaking badly. The other day all I wanted was to weigh myself so bad just to see what was happening since last week. I have been doing amazing and thought that maybe I could reward myself with just a peek. Of course I did not because I commanded my husband to hide it from me and not to give it to me under any circumstances. I wonder...do I have some sort of disorder? Am I struggling with something that is out of the normal range or is this really all OK? I am sitting in here wanting to cry because they are in there about to have my favorite food for dinner, and I am refusing to eat any. I cannot believe I even told them that I didn't want any of it, and they could order for themselves. I just don't wanna be fat anymore. It's not about the weight, although let's be honest, I would love to be able to fit into something that's fitted and not have soft rolls around my midsection and quite a padded bottom as an accessories. At this point, I just wanna feel like I can do this for myself. Maybe I just wanna feel like I wanna know that I can do this at all? I don't wanna be a failure at this again. I wanna be proud of myself. FOR SOMETHING. I see blogs where people are running their 5Ks for the first time, and I didn't want to say this yet, but it is a HUUUUUUGE goal of mine to be able to run a full 5K without stopping to walk. I have never even done a 5K at all, but it is my goal. Eating pizza (twice as doughed as normal pizza) is not going to get me lighter, healthier and fitter to be able to do that. I feel sluggish, gain like 5 pounds (literally) from sodium in it, and do the whole "feel guilty" about it. I know that this is probably a disorder of some sort, but I am doing what I can to make better choices in life and to combat the cycle....it is just so freaking hard. There really isn't even a word for how hard it is.

I just....I don't know. I am feeling very heavy today. I am still doing ok. We even had Subway for lunch and I ate very well. Then why do I feel so awful? Is it because I feel sad that my husband is still succumbing to the weekend? Maybe. I would feel so stupid and embarrassed to think that I am sad because I am not getting to eat pizza and yet my husband who really should not be eating it either is getting to enjoy it. Maybe. Could it be as simple as my wanting to fit into my old jeans again? Maybe so.

At the very base of it all....

I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR MYSELF. 

~NOTE TO SELF~

HELLO MONIQUE:

NO ONE IS GOING TO HOLD YOUR HAND 

AND WALK YOU TO THE GYM. 

NO ONE IS GOING TO WATCH YOUR PORTIONS 

FOR YOU. 

NO ONE IS GOING TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT FOR YOU. 

THAT'S IT, and that's all there is to it. 

If my husband never loses any weight whatsoever, I will love him the very same way that I do today, and I will not love him anymore if he loses a hundred pounds. I will be proud of him, but I will not have any extra love for my sweet husband for being thinner. So there is that. But will I love myself more? Probably. I really think so. You know why? Because I will have dug deep and proven that I am capable of something great. I will take control of this mess of a rather larger amount of extra poundage I am holding onto, because I feel like there is toxic pain hanging on inside every extra fat cell. I owe this to myself. I don't need that pizza. I really do want it so bad, because I am hungry. But the fact of the matter is, right now I can't tell whether or not I am really hungry or if it's just because pizza is on it's way. I will tell you some truth: last night I must have eaten a million red and green plain M&Ms out of the candy drawer at work...obviously simply because they were there, and they were free. I didn't feel guilt, just physically yucky. I can move past that. I did. I just stopped and moved onto my better options, and realized that if I was eating these, that I must be really hungry for something and that I should just eat what will satisfy my belly, which worked. This pizza is not going to include a stopping point. We will eat it until it is gone. Simply because it is there, and for obvious reasons that it tastes good. So....in making a decision for myself, I know that I deep down do not want any pizza. I want how I feel right now being able to say no, which is amazing for me. This is my journey. Mine. And guess what? That feeling I'm holding onto...that's gotta be enough today, right now in this moment. It just has to be.