Pages of My Heart: Journal #1

Hey guys,

Happy Valentine's Day :-)

Tonight as class just ended, I have a lot on my mind. I wonder over and over again on a daily basis how to handle achieveing a goal with such tenacity that it MUST involve the other people around me such as coworkers, friends and family. I have such a hard time wanting others to be excited about the things that I am excited about.

Lately I have been pretty excited about running, working out and eating healthy, and obviously my blog. I just can't seem to find a balance between being excited on my own for the sake of being happy, and wanting others to be just as excited as I am about something. Does that even make sense? It sounds weird writing it out.

Honesty time....

I feel obsessive, you know? Like all I can think about is my weight loss, school, running, trying to be "oh so positive about my PCOS and not being pregnant yet", etc. I feel like I am annoying the people around me.

Also like some people don't know how to handle my successes in losing every week and jealousy shows it's ugly face. In no way am I saying that I am so super awesome because I have had a loss every week for several in a row....trust that my day will come, folks...I am just saying that other people in my life that are not doing so well with their things may have a hard time dealing with someone like me who is doing ok. You know what I mean? I have this overwhelming sense of guilt that goes along with my struggle for balance with being obsessive.

So I think to myself....

Don't you HAVE to be a little bit obsessive in trying to achieve a goal? Everyone will notice that you are not eating what they are, that you want to make time for the gym, and that you need to study.

Do you HAVE to talk about it all the time? Surely these people are sick to death of hearing about your weight loss weigh-ins and seeing you write out everything that touches your mouth in your silly little sticker filled journal.

Are you feeling like you're better than others because you're losing and they're not?

Reality check, Honey....you were just there like 5 minutes ago..

...struggling to find the courage to get your butt to the gym

...struggling to be happy for other people who are announcing they're pregnancies

...struggling with eating pizza every freaking weekend and sneaking fast food in your car on the way to work, and them crying about it later when you gained back every single pound that you lost from the week before.

...crying because you were standing in your closet with only one thing out of all the things hanging there that would fit you at all

...jealous of people graduating because you have soooo many prereqs left and the list never seemed to end

I need to remember that having compassion is a way of life. I need to remember that not everybody understands the magnitude of changes that are happening in your life and can be as excited as I am. I need to feel that happiness for myself, hold it close and cherish it. Because it is a gift that I am giving to myself, that no one can take away. I am allowing others to steal my joy simply because they do not understand, and that's silly.

It will be ok. I just need to simmer down and keep quiet for a little while. These are my victories after all, right?

Do you ever have a hard time not thinking/talking about your goals? School, Fertility, Weightloss or Other??