Holi-“daze”….

Hey Friends,

So let me start this off by saying that this is not a happy post. Flowers, cupcakes and sunshine will not be found here today, but I have to get it out. Sometimes just expressing something makes it easier to deal with than holding it in and letting it fester.

First of all, I believe that Christmas is a day that has been set aside to acknowledge & celebrate the birth of Jesus. I get that, go to Christmas service, the whole beautiful shebang. I love it.

However, when you work in RETAIL as I have for the past 11 years, the meaning slides further and further into the background and psychotic ridiculousness takes center stage….

How much is this? Is this toy half off yet? How do I know if this light string works? Why won’t my coupon work? Why can’t I use a check to purchase a visa gift card? You’re an idiot and you should not be in business. I don’t care if you’re sorry, fix my problem. Can I talk to the manager? (I am the manager…) Oh really….can I talk to YOUR manager? Can I have the corporate headquarters phone number?

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, bleepity blah, blah. 

It seriously wears your spirit down to nothing. I am by no means saying that this is not a regular occurrence when working in retail, because it is. Christmas time however, brings out the special crazy juices oozing & flowing from people. It is the truth. I hate it. It sucks. This is the time when I feel most like “a paycheck is just a paycheck”….and it most certainly is.

Christmas time also reminds me how old I am getting. My birthday is January 1st, and I am never happy about it. I have obvious personal reasons as to why I am never happy about it. The main is my getting closer and closer to 30, and still not having achieved so many things that my little internal child wants to achieve. I just want so badly to be away from my awful job, get finished with my friggin degree finally, buy a house…you know, all that super awesome grown up stuff! It’s just depressing that life keeps getting in the way, or I never have been able to complete what I have set out to achieve. And as people are setting their New Years Resolutions, I am dreading the adding of yet another 1 to my age, having not a whole bunch to show for it.

Truth be told, the past 3 years emotionally have been pretty amazing. Someday I will go into the lengthy story of why that is. In short, my husband is my greatest blessing by a mile, and has set the stage for a calmer, happier and more peaceful life in which to make my goals more easier to accomplish. Hopefully this year will be my best yet!!!!

The other thing that makes the holidays so awful for me is obviously the fact that I don’t have any children to share it with. This ache in my heart is always there every single year (even before I got married, worse when I was diagnosed with PCOS) wishing that I was buying toys for my little one, instead of an army load of nieces, nephews and cousins. I can’t speak for everyone, since I don’t have kids, but I must say that there is something about the magic of children on Christmas day.

I want to bake cookies with my daughter, play with my son and his new tonka trucks, feel that warm feeling deep down in my belly watching my husband put together dollhouse and train sets, make pancakes in the kitchen while they play in the living room with their new toys, watch my kids up front during the church service on Christmas Eve sing about Jesus in His manger, taking tons of pictures and crying the whole time, get the customary school personally made ornament for the tree, and simply watch their faces light up with joy upon revealing what each box holds.

Man….that was tough to type…

Someday, someday, someday…

This year was particularly hard because it just seemed like everyone was pregnant or had just given birth. So I opted to hide out at home alone until my overnight shift started instead of going to the extended family’s gathering. I just couldn’t deal. Not sure if that makes me a bad person, but it sure made everything so much more pleasant for me by simply waiting until it was over.


In the end, I decided that I need to make the most of the true meaning behind Christmas and focus on that. I need to focus on making what I do have just a little bit brighter for next year.

It was fine, but truly, I am glad that it’s over for another year.


Thanks for reading,

    Monique