One Thousand Gifts

Good morning Friends,

Today I just want to take a moment to check in with my heart….

Yesterday I was too busy to go to the gym during the day, but I refuse to skip, so I went after class. As I got to the gym, my husband called me and said that he had just gotten home from the gym. I promptly said, “I wish I would skip so I can come home and be with you...” He said, “Hey, I didn’t want to go lift weights tonight either, but I did and I feel great now. You’ll be proud of yourself for finishing.”

I immediately got this horrible pain in my stomach. You see, my husband and I frequently cross paths like this during the work week. Specifically because I work overnights on one week and days on the other and he works all days. I miss him on those days….

To top it off, the gym was at an all time high level of crowdedness for me. This level was what would keep me from going before when I wasn’t going at all. I simply hate the massive amount of people all over everywhere. It gives me a lot of anxiety. My eyes filled with tears, and I felt that hot feeling of nervousness on the back of my neck…

So I took a deep breath and said to myself: Look Monique, you’re here now. Just get it done and over with so you can go home.

I walked over to the treadmills…and they were full. So I walked over to the weights…my first lift station was occupied. I stood there wanting so badly to cry and just go home. I said to myself…wow Mo, this is what you’re skipping out on your husband for? To fight for machines to cause yourself pain and exhaustion? What is going on here? What are you doing? You should’ve went to the gym this morning like usual when it is way less crowded, so you could be at home right now. Oh wait, you couldn’t because you were studying for an exam. Well you could’ve studied more last week, Oh wait that’s right, you worked 70 hours of overnight shifts last week. Now you only have about an hour to see your husband…oh wait, I better count the thirty minutes from breakfast…I was getting overwhelmed by my thoughts, as you can see.

I really then at that moment had a revelation of sorts. How worth it is all this, if I have no time left to enjoy my life, really live my life the way I should? By THIS I mean the gym time, school, grocery shopping, cleaning, blah, blah, blah….

How many days of my life am I simply on autopilot? Roaming around doing things, chasing dreams, achieving goals, doing more things, being on a diet….

The very gift of life is so much more than all of this…

Yes, I have to do all of these things, don’t misunderstand me. What I am saying is that how many days go by before I really experience ordinary moments in my life as gifts in and of themselves? I am working so hard not to live my life the way that I used to, trying to really find the courage to literally change my direction in life. I want to live in the now, breathing and living my everyday moments as if they were my last. I am so tired of the way I used to live as if my only true happy times will arrive after certain things take place.

The time to be happy is now…

There are some things that cannot happen until a certain whatever occurs, (i.e. graduate or have a baby) but there are so many more things that are just here right now for me to enjoy and treasure….

A look from my husband from across the room while I am making his breakfast, and he tells me “You are looking so cute today”

When he answers the phone, “Hi my sweet beautiful wife”.

When he makes my sandwiches and snacks for my lunch if I need more sleep exactly the way my calorie needs for the day requires them to be…

A text from my mother in law telling me how she’s proud of me, and she knows I can get through this schooling.

One of my coworkers telling me that I am one of his favorite people.

One of my dearest and sweetest friends always cheering me on and telling me “you’re my hero”.

Simply being able to go online and there is money in my checking account to pay my bills with all the time…I remember times in my life when there was nothing there to speak of.

I have legs to walk, eyes to see and ears to hear, proving even though my ovaries don’t work right now, God gave me the gift of hundreds of other things that do work…and for that I am grateful.

I have my heart that feels…and boy does it feel a lot, a lot of the time…and for my gift of sensitivity and compassion from God, I am thankful. I am hoping someday that will make me a great nurse.

All of you, my wonderful blog friends encouraging me on my weight loss journey with your comments…thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So you know what? I finished my workout as fast as I could and got home. Thankfully he was still awake. I snuggled up next to him on the couch, kissed him on the cheek, and held his hand…and thought all I have is now, I’ll treasure these moments and hold them close to my heart. Because all of these little moments of now, are what are going to make everything else so much sweeter and easier to bear, not the other way around.

So take a minute today to cultivate gratitude in your life. Slow down and feel each moment as a gift and find the beauty in it…because every breath is just that: a gift.

Have a wonderful day.

Thanks for Reading,
Monique