I am so sorry, but I have to do this....

Dear Readers,

There comes a time when you feel so strongly about something that even though you don't want to do it, you know deep down in your heart that you must.

Over the past few months, due in part to you wonderful people who follow, support and encourage me with each post, I have dramatically changed. Believe me when I say dramatically.

You see, for several years of my life I have been absolutely miserable to say in the least. I have always felt like I was never good enough, less than everyone else and completely undeserving of happiness in my life. As if that was how it should be. Miserable childhood = miserable adulthood, right? I sat there making a post back in December of how unhappy I was at my weight and how I knew that I needed to do something, and that something was obviously to stop feeding my emotions with unhealthy choices for food and being inactive on a daily basis. You know how you know you need to do something, you know exactly what that is, but you just...don't.

Lately I have been on an amazingly good stretch (for me) of losing every week on the scale. In almost 8 weeks, I have lost almost 20 lbs. This you guys have seen. What you have not seen is how I am changing emotionally with every passing day.

I feel amazing. I feel like I am a new person when it comes to this. I love running, and am doing so great about doing it every week. My body as well as my mind are just responding to my eating habits and workouts like I couldn't have dreamed.

What you haven't been seeing is the way that I am every week on the scale. I no longer am so overjoyed by the number going down...or even the awesome way that all my clothes are now loose and I have had to buy a few new medium things....the difference is I feel like I am flying after a workout is done. I feel like I can do anything. Anything. I feel so wonderful when my whole body and mind is relaxed and at ease when I complete a 45 minute yoga session alone at home in the comfort of my own home. It's just so awesome.

The problem that has come into view is on my mind everyday when I wake up. I do not like the way I feel when I am on the internet, facebooking, twittering, reading blogs and sometimes even blogging myself. I really actually do not like the craze in marketing with social networking, to me it's sort of stressful. Let me explain....

Awhile back I deleted my Facebook account. (yes, I know gasp in shock and horror) Somehow, I do not know how, I have become this person who needs to know what everyone else is doing, when and why. It was giving me a weird surge to know all the juicy drama and gossip in other people's lives...Facebook friends and celebrity gossip alike. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am not the only person in the world who is like this. I just learned a loooong time ago during a sermon that if it convicts you, then maybe it's a problem for you personally. It doesn't have to be everyone else's issue.

Please, please, please friends DO NOT take this as my judging you. I am speaking from my heart here.

The problem with me knowing every little tiny detail of everyone's life is that I often get frustrated with other people's decisions. In reality, why should I even care about what someone else is doing? I have NO CONTROL over anyone else's actions. None at all. But I become codependent and feel all these feelings...which in turn then stress me out. I do not, DO NOT have time in my life to dwell on other people's lives and their decisions. Someone once told me "if you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, then you won't have time to worry about anybody else and what they're doing"  I was spending waaay too much time on Facebook, so away the Facebook went.

Recently I got accepted into a publisher program that I was really proud of, and I had to reactivate my account for them. I thought, here we go...

Very quickly the stalkerish tendencies began, looking at the photos, reading the statuses, getting upset by family drama...etc. You get the point.

I then quickly thought to myself what am I doing here again? Then I realized that I recently had just replaced one soothing/procrastinating mechanism with another: blogging.

For me...it has become the exact same thing. I don't really need to know what someone else has eaten for breakfast...even if it is the same sort of thing everyday. I am so grateful for the things that I have learned from reading all my blogs, but once something has started to make me feel guilty watching the hours tick away while I am doing it, it has to be taken down a notch.

I think that by working out and being in control of what is going in my mouth that I have come to connect with my real feelings instead of hiding from them. I feel like I waste sooooo much time constantly checking blogs, checking my page for comments, stats and page loads, when in reality I am burning valuable time in my life.  I could be reading my precious Bible that has been collecting dust, focusing more on my form in yoga, focusing more on stretching after a run as opposed to hurrying to blog about it, actually keeping up with my end of the bargain with chores around my house, or better yet: I could be studying SO MUCH MORE for my nursing school entrance exam.

Again, please do not take this as offensive towards any of you.

I simply cannot keep up with the pace of my blog as it is growing at this point, and study. If I did not have classes, I would be just fine working and blogging. But really I need to take care of my mind. When something that you once loved so much starts to become a thief of joy and is a new stressor, it is time to take a step back and maybe reevaluate things. This blog is about me finding the courage to change, right? This is a huge step for me in realizing that I need to take better care of my mental state.

I love you all with all my heart. You guys have been so amazing, really. But I realize so much more about myself after I do an amazing run outside and really just do not have time to blog about it, I just feel great, and that has become enough for me. I can't stretch myself to blog and study, and clean, and work, and spend time with my poor husband who I feel is suffering from my consuming hobby the most.

It is SOOOO important to me that I become a nurse. I need to focus more on studying for this entrance exam and taking care of my mind in that regard. I have invested a lot of years into taking prereqs, and that needs to be number one right now. 

So I am officially taking a break. At least until my TEAS exam is over in a couple months, and I can come to some sort of better strategy for dealing with blogging and school. I will still take pics of my scale every week and share them when my break is over, but I feel that if I do not make this a complete true break, I will be tempted to go into my google reader again just from posting my weigh-ins. So when I do resume blogging, I will share those with all of you.

Good luck with all of your PCOS and weight loss journeys! You all are in my heart and on my mind always.


Thanks for reading,
Monique