Tough Stuff

Ok, let me just say that I am still alive. I am still consciously working on my journey (until we reach my birthday when the plans will definitely change), food has just been ok, and workouts have definitely been slacking. Time to work out some feelings…

It is Christmas time. I usually have a hard time around Christmas time because I do not have children yet, and simply feel every year like it is just not as fun to wake up without that on Christmas morning. I know that gifts and all that are not the reason for the season. Please do not get me wrong. I definitely know that. However, I can’t help but just be a little honest about turning 27 and still not having them. In case you hadn’t read about it before, my husband and I do have fertility issues. I have been dealing with that, and not wanting to have a pity party about it on my blog.

For those of you who are new readers, I am working on changing my blog so that you can know what’s going on in other departments of my life that may influence my weight loss efforts. I do feel that exterior things do affect how focused (or not) you are at certain times during your weight loss journey.

Please bare with me as I was not expecting to have this hit me like this this holiday season. I was totally fine, and too many outside things have flared up different emotions this week and have completely thrown me for a loop in my focus.

I appreciate it so very much when you DO read and your comments mean the world to me.

Just give me a couple days to get it together.

I’m still here.

Thanks for reading,
   Monique

Day 7: Things just happen sometimes…

(what a huge bummer, right? why does it even need to be this cold…ever?)

I will start out by saying that the  past several days I have been doing quite well on my eating goals, not as well on my movement goals. That will change today, as I plan to head out to the gym after making this post, but boy does life just happen to you sometimes, and you are forced to sit back and react simply because you weren’t expecting it. Yesterday was going to be the end of my 3 day hiatus from activity, and I had specific planned time and a workout that I was going to do at the gym. I took the break because I was so freaking sore from being so active last week that it was almost tough for me to sit on the dang toilet because my quads and hamstrings were so tight from the treadmill running. No biggie: no pain, no gain right? Or shall I say no lose? I was happy feeling sore and felt like I had been doing something for once. So I stretched and stretched my way through the weekend and planned to add weights on Monday…then for some odd reason I got a nasty sinus headache. I felt like my eye balls were trying to come out of their sockets through my nostrils. And if that wasn’t enough, my husband also called me to tell me that on the way home from work, a pretty decent sized rock blasted his windshield (on his huge truck, no less)…so obviously we’re gonna have to pay for that. What a bummer, you know? We are trying as hard as we possibly can to save money for a down payment on a house when our lease ends, and sometimes….things just happen, I guess. Sucks, but oh well.

On a better note, I did pretty awesome on my day off yesterday! Usually I don’t eat nearly enough because I am just not that hungry when I am sitting around my apartment. I get a little lazy, but I am not one to eat out of boredom. My metabolism really suffers because of it. So yesterday I continued my eating every three hours, and I even made a healthy dinner for us. Yesterday, we were married 18 months, and so I thought I would make something special that he really likes, only a bit more healthy.

So for our 18 month “semi-versary” I made these yummy peppers. I modified the recipe so that it was a little bit healthier than the one in the book, but it turned out pretty good. I used ground turkey instead of ground beef, reduced sodium chicken broth and reduced fat cheese. He loved it, and that’s what matters. I had never had them before, so it was new to me.

Anyways, guys…I’m off to the gym! Today is another off day, so the forced eating continues. Just kidding. I hope you guys had a great day yesterday! Let me know how it was! Let's keep going guys! 

Thanks for reading,
    Monique

Day 5 & 6: Double Dough

Hey Guys,

This is just....I don't know. Gonna need a mental release right now. So here's the deal. There is a Chicago Bears (football) game today and my husband is a DIE HARD Bears fan. Like super hard. Every Sunday afternoon is a small social event. I had this whole post of the summary of my weekend planned, but I am seriously battling something right now. My husband and my father in law are out in my living room ordering my favorite food. The thing is that around here, we don't do so well on the weekends. When the weekend hits, my husband is pretty social and even when I have a dinner prepped, it seems as though we end up either eating out or at a social gathering. I don't know what it is about the weekend, but it seems to be tempting in and of itself. No joke. It's extremely frustrating. He was just in here trying to convince me that having 3 slices of double dough sausage, green peppers and onion pizza has gotta be "only like 300 calories a slice or so"....when OBVIOUSLY neither of us (and probably the very people who made it) have no clue how many calories are truly in a slice. So here's the deal. It is not his fault, nor am I angry at him. I am angry because I am holding back the tears, though because I want to have some so bad, and yet I have not weighed myself at all since I said that I was gonna not do so until my birthday, I feel like I know my self well enough to know what it will do to my hard work for the past week. THAT has been a battle all in itself. I am so frustrated with myself for simply wanting to weigh myself so freaking badly. The other day all I wanted was to weigh myself so bad just to see what was happening since last week. I have been doing amazing and thought that maybe I could reward myself with just a peek. Of course I did not because I commanded my husband to hide it from me and not to give it to me under any circumstances. I wonder...do I have some sort of disorder? Am I struggling with something that is out of the normal range or is this really all OK? I am sitting in here wanting to cry because they are in there about to have my favorite food for dinner, and I am refusing to eat any. I cannot believe I even told them that I didn't want any of it, and they could order for themselves. I just don't wanna be fat anymore. It's not about the weight, although let's be honest, I would love to be able to fit into something that's fitted and not have soft rolls around my midsection and quite a padded bottom as an accessories. At this point, I just wanna feel like I can do this for myself. Maybe I just wanna feel like I wanna know that I can do this at all? I don't wanna be a failure at this again. I wanna be proud of myself. FOR SOMETHING. I see blogs where people are running their 5Ks for the first time, and I didn't want to say this yet, but it is a HUUUUUUGE goal of mine to be able to run a full 5K without stopping to walk. I have never even done a 5K at all, but it is my goal. Eating pizza (twice as doughed as normal pizza) is not going to get me lighter, healthier and fitter to be able to do that. I feel sluggish, gain like 5 pounds (literally) from sodium in it, and do the whole "feel guilty" about it. I know that this is probably a disorder of some sort, but I am doing what I can to make better choices in life and to combat the cycle....it is just so freaking hard. There really isn't even a word for how hard it is.

I just....I don't know. I am feeling very heavy today. I am still doing ok. We even had Subway for lunch and I ate very well. Then why do I feel so awful? Is it because I feel sad that my husband is still succumbing to the weekend? Maybe. I would feel so stupid and embarrassed to think that I am sad because I am not getting to eat pizza and yet my husband who really should not be eating it either is getting to enjoy it. Maybe. Could it be as simple as my wanting to fit into my old jeans again? Maybe so.

At the very base of it all....

I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR MYSELF. 

~NOTE TO SELF~

HELLO MONIQUE:

NO ONE IS GOING TO HOLD YOUR HAND 

AND WALK YOU TO THE GYM. 

NO ONE IS GOING TO WATCH YOUR PORTIONS 

FOR YOU. 

NO ONE IS GOING TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT FOR YOU. 

THAT'S IT, and that's all there is to it. 

If my husband never loses any weight whatsoever, I will love him the very same way that I do today, and I will not love him anymore if he loses a hundred pounds. I will be proud of him, but I will not have any extra love for my sweet husband for being thinner. So there is that. But will I love myself more? Probably. I really think so. You know why? Because I will have dug deep and proven that I am capable of something great. I will take control of this mess of a rather larger amount of extra poundage I am holding onto, because I feel like there is toxic pain hanging on inside every extra fat cell. I owe this to myself. I don't need that pizza. I really do want it so bad, because I am hungry. But the fact of the matter is, right now I can't tell whether or not I am really hungry or if it's just because pizza is on it's way. I will tell you some truth: last night I must have eaten a million red and green plain M&Ms out of the candy drawer at work...obviously simply because they were there, and they were free. I didn't feel guilt, just physically yucky. I can move past that. I did. I just stopped and moved onto my better options, and realized that if I was eating these, that I must be really hungry for something and that I should just eat what will satisfy my belly, which worked. This pizza is not going to include a stopping point. We will eat it until it is gone. Simply because it is there, and for obvious reasons that it tastes good. So....in making a decision for myself, I know that I deep down do not want any pizza. I want how I feel right now being able to say no, which is amazing for me. This is my journey. Mine. And guess what? That feeling I'm holding onto...that's gotta be enough today, right now in this moment. It just has to be.